Everyone has been to G-Heav. Everyone has accidentally Snackpassed TD-Heav.

If you’re unfamiliar with these terms, they both refer to Good Nature Markets, one of which is located near Timothy Dwight College on Whitney Avenue, the other on Elm Street, in civilization — you know, where Yale’s actual campus is. Never before has anyone thought to compare these two food establishments; it’s pretty obvious TD-Heav is wildly inferior.

To fill that data void, I recently Snackpassed the same sandwich at both G-Heav and TD-Heav, using this as an opportunity to begin understanding how TD students can keep denying that they are in the objectively worst residential college.

I’ll put my best foot forward and describe my G-Heav experience first. I Snackpassed the greatest breakfast sandwich in the history of breakfast, ham-egg-and-cheese on a sub with ketchup. I received a text message that said my sandwich would be ready in six minutes. I arrived at G-Heav, which has an assortment of college-student snacks, such as Cheez-Its, gummy-based foods, a buffet of hot foods, a whole section of caffeinated drinks, etc. I then picked up my sandwich, said, “Hey,” to the cool guy who runs the store and left with my sandwich. The experience was delightful, unimpeded, simple.

But then, a ray of light for a TD student: They forgot my fucking ketchup. Sandwich is ruined. I fail constantly at Yale, but this was the most disappointing thing that has happened to me this entire semester.

In other words, G-Heav was one can short of a six pack. We were literally all rooting for G-Heav, and they failed me.

However, sorry TD, my experience at TD-Heav was truly harrowing.

To properly measure the time it took to walk from Old Campus to the deli, I decided to play the album “Cleopatra” by The Lumineers — objectively fantastic album, go check it out. It took six songs, measuring 21 minutes and 38 seconds to walk there and back to Old Campus. And, to reference a recent post on Overheard at Yale, I took the most efficient route; it was literally Pythagoras’s wet dream. I don’t think I’ve walked that far the whole semester, which may be the reason for my freshman-15, but that’s a different problem.

I Snackpassed the same gloryful sandwich I had at G-Heav, and I got the same text. However, to my horror, the sandwich would be ready in 15 minutes. I immediately imagined a packed deli, where it takes 15 minutes to make a ham-egg-and-cheese. Such a place must be hugely popular. Maybe I was wrong about the establishment.

Yet, by the time I got to College Street, a measly four minutes since the beginning of my journey, I received a text that said, “Whitney Good Nature Market finished early!” Instantly, I thought of the YDN opinion piece by Amelia Nierenberg ’18 titled “Mediocre Man-Sex!”

And what about my poor sandwich?! It would get cold in the extra 10 minutes! As you can tell by my overusage of exclamation marks, I was disgruntled to say the least.

I arrived at TD-Heav after a few years of walking to find a sign on the front door that said, “Students welcome!” This was criminally inaccurate, based on the food offerings of the deli. First, they had an entire wall of cooking oils, to which I must ask: Who the fuck is cooking with Bellucci Toscano PGL extra virgin olive oil in the residential college kitchens? Furthermore, there was Newman’s Own coffee, popcorn, oats, ranch, salad dressing, etc., like SO much Newman’s Own shit. Most appallingly, they had ONLY THREE choices of energy drinks: Red Bull, sugar-free Red Bull and Monster. This was not a place for college students; this was a place for elderly aunts and uncles who grow their own organic tomatoes.

One of only two customers in the entire store, I picked up my sandwich and left. Upon opening my sandwich, I again thought of Nierenberg’s “Mediocre Man-Sex”: the sub was so small and thin, I could hardly fathom the idea that I might enjoy it.

However, another ray of hope for TD came in the fact that the sandwich was incredible, ketchup included. It melted in my mouth, and, for the third time, I thought of that famous YDN opinion piece. I still think about that sandwich sometimes.

Arguably, TD-Heav and G-Heav performed similarly, and I couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, combining my experience at TD-Heav and G-Heav would have created a completely perfect experience. Hm, food for thought I suppose.

How does this relate to the TD vs. The Rest of Yale rivalry? We can all agree that TD has a terrible dining hall — only superior to Trumbull College — it is a short marathon away from literally anything, and everyone who was placed in TD was at least a little upset about it. I recently asked a classmate why they refused to try Good Nature Market on Whitney, and she replied, “Because it’s near TD.” A fake YDN poll excluding all TD students found that every student on campus thinks their residential college is better than TD.

Yet, the Yale intercollege rivalry will continue until the Yale Corporation invests in bitcoin, runs out of money and the entire University shuts down. Until then, I will proudly and jocosely tease TD students, with the hope that they will return the banter.

Nick Tabio | nick.tabio@yale.edu .