Cambridge, Massachusetts: The shitty photocopy of New York City with a plagiarized English place name. The city best symbolized by the assignment you turn in incomplete and late as hell, expecting a good result (hint: you fail the assignment). The level of shit is so high that I dare call it Cambridge, ASSachusetts. The premiere piece of shit in this shit show of a city is a gated collection of mundane, lifeless red bricks: Harvard. I was cursed by admission to it last summer, and visited to see if the horror stories I heard were true. Sure enough, they were.
To start, their dining hall food was terrible. I was there for three days (which was way too many days) and I absolutely prayed I had money to eat out. Being rich is an essential part of surviving at Harvard not because of the tuition, but because you need to eat out so often to consume edible food. Yet, even the food around Harvard is lackluster. The best nearby pizza place is like what Papa John’s is for us: not great, but if it’s all we can get … So please don’t judge when all these poor (not that poor, damn homophones) Harvard students swarm our superior dining halls and pizza joints, as they are in desperate need of any food.
But the children of hell also want to indulge in sin, though they are not the best at it. While I was at Visitas (a much lesser version of Bulldog Days), Harvard did little to impress me with their social scene. Everyone was mad or worried 24/7. Parties were nothing close to what they are here. Students at Harvard drink for therapy, while we tend to drink for fun. Most importantly, we have Toad’s. This weekend, Toad’s will be swarmed by Harvard kids who will most likely have fun at college for the first time, or at least since we last hosted The Game.
But let’s get to their students: If they aren’t doing Econ, then they are likely irrelevant to others. STEM majors don’t say, “I can’t wait to start studying at Harvard,” but instead ask, “How can I take courses at MIT?” One, STEM majors don’t even care for their own school a lot of the times. Two, most STEM majors at Harvard are a bunch of MIT rejects. Humanities majors are literally a collection of section assholes who all think they are the smartest turds in the history of mankind. If you are looking to study Art or Drama, you’ll quickly find out Harvard doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. These majors aren’t lucrative enough to be taken seriously by the university. Meanwhile, Yale is a top art school with an amazing School of Drama that has produced some of the best actors in history (*cough* Meryl Streep). Even our Law School is consistently ranked above theirs. Ahhhh, Harvard. So close to MIT, yet so far from Yale.
Something Harvard does not get enough crap for is the ugly, gated purgatory they call campus. Harvard is perhaps one of the most uninspiring campuses I’ve ever seen. The campus resembles a red brick colonial graveyard wherein is buried the dignity of all the students who decided to attend this godforsaken shit hole.
Despite knowing they are the equivalent of a horse’s anus, Harvard students pride themselves on acknowledging their alumni. Most notably, President Obama. But let’s not forget that Obama only attended Harvard Law School. The same law school that gave us the Zodiac Killer, Ted Cruz. So yeah Harvard, let’s not be too selective here. But even more striking is the fact that Mark Zuckerberg is also hailed extensively on campus, despite not graduating. Like what the hell? Are you really that low on notable alumni that you have to resort to praising someone who did not even graduate?
This list of problems with Harvard could go on, but I’m afraid their students will be offended if they find this list is bigger than their egos. The inexplicable hubris of this university (which worships a color as its mascot) told me from the moment I breathed that polluted Lamebridge air that I did not want to be there ever again. And that, my friends, is the unvarnished VERITAS.
Carlos Rodriguez Cortez | firstname.lastname@example.org