The big weekend is finally here, and Yalies across the country are pouring onto campus to watch Harvard and Yale’s football teams duke it out. As always, among the Yalies will be a number of student and alumni luminaries. But have you ever wondered who the Harvard campus celebrities at this year’s Game are? Check out our who’s-who of Harvard’s most notable current students below to find out!
Elinor Adams: Adams, a sophomore hailing from Atherton, California, is the first American to voluntarily undergo radical surgery to become a 200-foot luxury yacht.
Timothy Atkinson: Using a time machine, Atkinson, a senior from Mercer Island, Washington, went back to the 1980s, romanced his own mother and became his own father. While Atkinson’s experiments were of questionable ethics and created a number of time-travel paradoxes, he is often held up as one of Harvard’s leading lights in experimental daddy’s-money studies.
Harold Bennington: Bennington, a junior from Brookline, Massachusetts, realized two years ago that human blood could be used effectively and economically to dye even more of Harvard students’ clothing red. His striking innovation is the reason that Bloodmobiles don’t drive through Cambridge anymore.
Elizabeth Carpenter: Carpenter, a junior from Winnetka, Illinois, is renowned both at Harvard and across America’s insufferable-people community for her tendency to wear up to 45 popped collars at once.
Jenny Cohen: Cohen, a senior from Great Falls, Virginia, has won acclaim from classmates and professors alike for her innovative, holistic approach to really mocking the fuck out of New Haven’s endemic poverty.
Jean-Cristophe Dandyport: Dandyport, a junior from Short Hills, New Jersey, found notability this year at Harvard when he chopped himself up into little pieces so that he could be traded as an investment commodity at the New York Stock Exchange.
Giancarlo Holland-Tyndale: Holland-Tyndale, a senior from Piedmont, California, has purchased enough genuine cashmere sweaters and natty lime-green golf pants that he is now, for legal purposes, considered a Brooks Brother.
Sylvia Jackson: Jackson, a sophomore from Malibu, California, is widely regarded to be among the most talented people on Harvard’s campus for her ability to mutter “Harvard” REALLY quietly when people ask her where she goes to college.
Glenda Knobbler: Knobbler, a senior from Pacific Palisades, California, will be attending The Game only in spirit this year, as she died tragically last year when she accidentally ate a main course with a salad fork.
Fortney Maria Splimperton-Lumpkin Merchant-Robinson-Saab-Robinson VII: Merchant-Robinson-Saab-Robinson VII, a freshman from Royal Oak, Michigan, may be new to college, but he’s already making an impression by having the third-silliest name at Harvard.
Amethyst O’Neil: Considered by many observers to be Elinor Adams’ main rival at Harvard, O’Neil, a sophomore from Edina, Minnesota, attempted to outdo her classmate last year by surgically transforming herself, without the use of anesthesia, into the Vineyard Vines whale.
Sonia Sánchez: Sánchez, a sophomore from Potomac, Maryland, has become a folk hero among the Harvard community for just straight up murdering another student who didn’t know the difference between racquetball and squash.
Tate Smith: While most Harvard students will go on to work at Goldman Sachs in some capacity, Smith, a senior from White Plains, New York, is famed on campus for his innovation in referring to the company as simply “Goldman.”
Melissa Tannenbaum: Tannenbaum, a sophomore from Westport, is Harvard’s most-hated student. In recent weeks, she has repeatedly claimed that Harvard and Yale are very similar institutions whose friendly rivalry has recently metastasized into genuine mean-spiritedness and that students at both universities would do well to reflect on the enormous privilege they take for granted every day. She is a rabble-rousing charlatan who intends to subvert the natural order. AVOID HER AT ALL COSTS.
Jeremy Trevor: An undergraduate shining star in Harvard’s Department of Saying Things Really Annoyingly, Trevor, a junior from Grosse Pointe, Michigan, has already published groundbreaking work on how to just milk the fuck out of the word “vase”.
Lindsay Watson: Watson, a freshman from The Woodlands, Texas, will be watching the Yale-Harvard game from a medical tent near the press booth: She is clinging to life after she traumatically made brief eye contact with a homeless man last week.
Micah Osler | firstname.lastname@example.org