It took 10 years for Yale to beat Harvard once. A single time. Winning can be hard, apparently, but beating the Crimson took the Bulldogs longer than it took the U.S. to build the first continental railroad or Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling or the United Arab Emirates to finish the construction of the Burj Khalifa.
It’s not just that 10 years is a long time, but that winning only 10 percent of The Games in the last decade is atrocious. Even a Yale graduate has better odds at landing a job than that. Heck, Donald Trump had a better chance of winning the election than the Bulldogs had of winning a game in the last decade. Of course, since he was competing against a Yale graduate, it’s no wonder he pulled out the victory. The Bulldogs historically choke.
Like in 2014 when Havard scored with 55 seconds remaining to win. Or in 2009 when Yale lost 14–10 after holding a 10-point halftime lead. Just like losing to the Crimson, choking is a New Haven tradition.
Another storied Bulldog tradition is staying off the crime-ridden New Haven streets. In anticipation of my upcoming trip to the college, I’ve purchased both a full bullet-proof vest and a lockbox for my valuables, in addition to drafting my last will and testament. It may sound excessive, but this is only standard procedure when traveling to one of the most crime-ridden cities in the nation. Yale denies a lower percentage of applicants than the percentage of cities that are safer than New Haven.
But Yale students can always leave when they wish — which I assume is most of the time. New Haven is, after all, only an hour’s drive from the exciting town of Hartford. If you wish to find actual civilization, that’s in Boston and only two hours north.
On the plus side, New Haven is supposed to have great pizza. But if you have a desire to eat anything besides that, you’re out of luck. Just ask former Dean of Pierson College June Chu. The theaters are supposed to be nice, though. According to the former dean, the Criterion Cinemas allegedly has a “small theater feel without the sketchy crowds (despite it being in New Haven).” Though one would figure that after hanging around Yale students all day, the dean would be used to sketchy crowds.
Look I get it, Yale has good architecture. The school spends so much time talking about how pretty the buildings are that it’s almost like it’s compensating for something. And after last year’s “Saybrook Strip,” we know exactly what for.
Let’s not forget about the Poopertrator. But who can blame the poor student. I would be stressed, too, if I attended the 1,270th best college in the nation.
Speaking of Yale students, the Bulldogs boast five presidents and a swath of CIA agents. By contrast, Harvrad has seven presidents, five current U.S. Supreme Court justices and consistently more members of Congress. The fact that Yale students go to work for the CIA just proves what everyone already knew: Yale students who graduate work for their Crimson peers.
The city of New Haven itself is a dumpster fire — no question — and at the pinnacle of that dumpster is Yale. And at the apex of that pinnacle is the Bulldog football team.
In the last 10 contests, Yale has beaten Havrad exactly once. In the same span, the Crimson won the Ivy League six times.
Sure, the Bulldogs have clinched the Ivy League, but everybody really couldn’t care less. Assuming a loss on Saturday — an easy assumption to make — Yale will become the worst Ivy League champion since 1982, when another team with two losses took the title.
A blind squirrel can find a nut now and again. A broken clock is right twice a day. Even Yale can win the Ivy League once a decade.