Kelly Zhou

The Crimson, Harvard University’s poor attempt at a college daily, released a poll of students, faculty and alumni, which found that Harvard is a shit show of an academic institution. The poll, which addressed the growing success of dropouts, recent meme culture and last year’s loss at The Game, revealed that 94.8 percent of people affiliated with the Massachusetts-renowned university think that it is absolute trash, while the remaining 5.2 percent think that it’s at least better than Dartmouth.

“We weren’t even a little shocked,” said Crimson President Derek Choi. “Everyone in the office thinks we suck; hell, I wanted to go to Stanford. [Managing Editor] Andrew [Duchren] got wait-listed by Yale. No one actually wants to study at Harvard, if you would even call our lackluster classes ‘studying.’”

The poll, a desperate, grandiose attempt at uniting the self-loathing students and faculty, also showed that Choi is one of many people affiliated with the university who never wanted to be at Harvard for a fucking second. Students complained most about the young, inexperienced professors, while professors complained most about the amount of students who obviously bought their way in.

Furthermore, alumni did not recollect their time at the northeast-elitist day-care center fondly. In an interview about the survey, Mark Zuckerberg, Harvard dropout and founder of the social media mogul Facebook confirmed that his hatred for the university and constant agony while enrolled spurred on his technological innovations.

“I tried so hard to get expelled with that sexist female-ranking app, and those bigoted Harvard deans didn’t even give a shit! Creating an international, publicly traded social media platform was the only way to escape that hellhole,” said Zuckerberg.

Yet, the poll has had a positive effect outside of Harvard. Instead of funding the capitalistic degradation and torture of teenage idealists that is the Harvard curriculum, wealthy alumni have decided to practice philanthropy and basic human decency by making their first ever donations to charity. Some beneficiaries include the Red Cross and Product Red. Many have speculated that alumni chose to donate to these charities not because of the humanitarian work of the organizations, but because of the “red” in each name. WKND could not confirm this.

Since then, the $37.6 billion endowment has become stagnant, as benefactors have stopped contributing to the university. Executives in the Harvard Management Company have consequentially begun to lose their fucking minds.

“You don’t understand, I literally cannot live without ingesting $1 million daily,” said N.P. Navekar, who was shaking, sweating profusely and had bits of dollar bill hanging from the side of his mouth. WKND has no updates on the current health condition of Narvekar.

The now infamous poll has even discouraged many high school students from applying to Harvard. While Yale received a record amount of single-choice early action applications for the class of 2022, Harvard received two early action applications — one was from Elle Woods, while the other contained a mixtape, a recommendation from Chief Keef and a copy of Grown Ups 2 signed by German Chancellor Angela Merkel (this actually happened).

Despite the famous Yale-Harvard game only a day away, low morality around the Harvard team still persists.

“My emotional state and inner psyche are just so affected by this disconcerting and surreptitiously contained self-loathing that plagues our student body,” said an anonymous 335-pound offensive tackle. “How will I be able to senselessly throw my body at unsuspecting Yale players when my school lays in such anguish!” As he said this, the offensive tackle fell dramatically to his knees and flipped his hair.

Many experts think that, without a strong mental game, Harvard won’t even stand a chance against the far superior and more intellectual Yale team.

“Harvard couldn’t even beat Cornell this year, and Cornell isn’t even really an Ivy!” said sports analyst and area man Notius Maximus.

WKND cannot provide a prediction for future developments at Harvard, but we can definitely confirm this: Harvard still fucking sucks.

Harvard University led all Massachusetts schools with 540 property crimes and ranked 17th in the nation for this degeneracy, according to the Boston Business Journal.

Nick Tabio nick.tabio@yale.edu