Valerie Navarrete

I’ll be blunt about it: When I decided to go into the business of writing tastefully erotic fan-fiction about various figures in Yale’s administration, I knew that there would be some people who weren’t entirely on board with the idea. And, yeah, there have been a lot of naysayers — prudes and religious types, mostly — in the last few years who just aren’t “comfortable” with the idea of an undergrad writing, self-publishing and selling for profit elegant sex adventures involving public figures from Yale’s campus. What I don’t think these people understand, however, is that my tactfully written and classily lewd coital romps through Woodbridge Hall are actually helping to enhance Yale’s reputation as an institution of higher learning, both in the United States and across the world. Let me explain:

My erotic imaginings help to promote Yale’s image as a sex-positive campus.

1) It’s a sign of the rampant anti-intellectualism in this country that many people just seem to assume that literature doesn’t have the ability to effect social change. Case in point: When they’re critiquing the refined sexcapades involving real administration figures that I write in my spare time, my killjoy critics don’t seem to realize that I’m helping to normalize healthy, consensual sexual activity between adults. For instance, in my 2015 e-book “Moans from Woodbridge Hall,” I establish that all the participants taking part in former Dean Jonathan Hellagay’s masked orgy of carnal delight are positively consenting at all times. Likewise, in my 2016 novella “Who Are You Doing This Weekend?” I provide helpful sex advice by instructing my readers on how to pleasure one another to climax while watching a student-written experimental dance composition. In these and other works, my risque tales about Yale administrators help communicate that Yale is a place where healthy sex is seen as a normal part of student life.

2) In my work, I establish that Yale is prepared to handle a massive STD outbreak.

This is a theme that I come back to time and again in my work, to the benefit of Yale’s national and international prestige. Take, for example, my best-selling 2017 Kindle Single “New England Chlamydia Chowder.” In it, a Masturbator’s Tea with Yale alumnus and former Vice President Richard “Big Ol’ Dick” Cheney turns, naturally, into a hedonistic orgy that takes over the entire Davenport Head of College House, and soon Yale’s entire student body is infected with basically every STD you can think of. The heroic administration swoops in, providing students with free testing and antibiotics while taking a few deserved breaks to get nice and frisky with one another and themselves. Similar scenarios in “OrgasmSync” and “Peen’s Excuse” help reinforce the point that Yale’s state-of-the-art infrastructure is equipped to handle any medical emergency, no matter how sexy.

3) Now people know that “visiting the bursar’s office” can also refer to a cool sex thing.

I believe that this speaks for itself.

4) I take pains to make sure Yale is portrayed as being on the right side of history.

I recognize that Yale doesn’t always receive the most favorable coverage in the national media — we’re lambasted from both the right and the left for decisions the administration makes. That’s why I always try to make sure when writing dapper smut about our beloved administrators — to show Yale as on the right side of hot-button social issues. In last semester’s “Sizing Up the Endowment,” I used the bawdy tale of David A. Swenson’s sexy asset-handling romp through the world of international finance to make an important point about responsible investing. In my fan-favorite e-book “Office of Emissions,” when eight sweaty hours of pouring over a long, hard file lead Yale’s admissions staff to take a well-earned, relaxing shower together, the end result (besides all the fucking) is a nuanced take on affirmative action. “Bulldog Gays” and “Facilclities and Maintaintnence” showcase Yale’s inclusiveness to frisky, nubile young adults of all sexual orientations and gender identities. And in my 2015 classic “A Massage from Chief Ronnell A. Higgins,” Yale comes across as a campus where community policing practices are in line with the best, sexiest guidelines and recommendations available.

In these and many, many other ways, I believe that my tastefully explicit tales of tender love between Yale administrators are a benefit, not a hindrance, to Yale’s position as the world’s hardest yet tenderest university, a well-groomed body of scholars positively pulsing with the kinky titillation of learning. Thank you.

Micah Osler