Lauren Gatta

Hey Yale! Looking for a little extra money but don’t want to work a mindless campus job? Want to spend your free time getting paid to talk up the brands you love? Do you have a really weird, vaguely sociopathic obsession with a particular brand or corporation that you’d like to sublimate into a socially acceptable career path?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, then you might be interested to hear that my associates and I are currently looking for one to three student brand representatives to promote Micah Osler and Micah Osler–related products right here on Yale’s campus!

If you’re interested in this position, you should know that the most important skill that successful Micah Osler campus reps possess is a deep knowledge of Micah Osler. This of course includes obvious metrics about the brand like the brand’s net worth ($400 and a bunch of old printer cartridges the brand hasn’t thrown out because the brand’s not sure if you’re supposed to recycle them or not) and the brand’s history (born in the mid-90s, had pneumonia in 2001 and again in 2007, has bought three ironic Christmas ornaments in the past six months). However, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to know a few more obscure facts about the brand, such as the number of episodes of “ALF” the brand has watched in the past year (six), the species of pet lizard the brand owns (leopard gecko) and whether the brand is utterly terrified of dying alone (yes).

It might not even hurt to talk with people who’ve worked with the brand before to get some inside info — how else are you going to know how many different girls have rejected the brand romantically and then tried to soften the blow by telling the brand that their mothers found the brand cute (two)?

After some research, the next step you’ll want to take is scheduling an interview. You’ll meet with a brand representative at a local coffee shop and have a relaxed, informal chat about what you can bring to the table in representing Micah Osler on Yale’s campus. The brand will, unfortunately, not be able to comp your drink because the brand paid thirteen god damn dollars for one beer — one beer — at a concert last week and is still feeling kind of guilty about that.

While the interview will be used in determining the status of your candidacy for the position, it’s also a great opportunity for you to ask questions about the brand you’ll be representing. Be sure to read the FAQ online, though — such common questions as “Why the hell would someone do this?” (the brand is very lonely) and “You realize that this isn’t what having a personal brand means, right?” (it means what I want it to mean, damn it) have already been answered there.

We expect to be able to choose a campus rep for the brand sometime around late October. If you’re chosen, congratulations! We loved your application and the way you didn’t think it was weird when the brand sort of interrupted you in the middle of your interview to talk about how sad he is that “30 Rock” isn’t on Netflix any more, like genuinely sad in a way that you really shouldn’t be about a TV show leaving a streaming site. Our expectation is that you’ll be able to start your job within a few days of accepting your offer, in no small part because the brand has attachment issues that he frankly just needs to get the fuck over at some point.

Once you’re selected, your job will be to promote the Micah Osler brand on- and off-campus among Yale students. To start, you’ll want to outfit yourself in apparel that fits the Micah Osler brand — that is, weird T-shirts, poorly-fitting jeans and a haircut that looks vaguely like something one of the Muppets would have and not in a good way — at least once a week. You’ll want to cover your laptop, phone, etc., in stickers depicting such things as the brand nervously scratching his neck as his TF tells him that his thesis is inchoate or the brand clutching his stomach in pain because he literally only ate potatoes the day before and that’s not sitting too well with the brand’s gastrointestinal tract.

Finally, social media promotion is also vital to promoting the brand, but as the brand doesn’t photograph very well, maybe just use photos of other people named Micah or, like, the mineral mica and hope that nobody will notice.

Being a campus rep is one of the best jobs you can have in college: easy money for promoting a brand you like. And while some people find enjoyment in promoting lines of clothing or food, we believe that the experience of promoting a human being with no tangible skills save his voluminous output of bad puns on the titles of mostly-forgotten sitcoms will be fascinating and fulfilling in its own ways. Good luck, and we can’t wait to read your application!

Micah Osler | .