How One May, in Accordance with God’s Divine Will, Deal with a Heavy Extracurricular Load (from the archives; circa 1715)
It is a fact much not’d these Days in Connecticut Colony that our still-youthful Wilderness Seminary here in New Haven is as a star upon its rise. The Lord has imbued his grace upon our simple institution, and as a result enrollment has increas’d, construction has begun upon a second Out-House, and in the past semester only four students were eat’n by Bears.
However, we at the Yale Daily Advertiser-Gazette believe that the extensive focus upon these bless’d Improvements has rendered invisible a true Scourge: the proliferation of Extra-Curricular activities. These Activities, while on occasion a source of Godly diversion, tend to contribute to an undue burden of Stress upon our studentry. Such Stress is a harm to our fair Seminary, as it may lead to such dreadful actions as blasphemy and visiting Sir Jeremiah Toad’s ill-reputed establishment on York St.
Hence, we have written a Listicle consisting of ways that one may reduce the Stress-burden of Extra-Curricular activities. Read on:
1. Enlist the Services of the Irish.
Owing to the squalid conditions in their Homes, their profusion of mewling Children, and the terribly blight’d condition of the Land they inhabit, the Irish are in these days much amenable as hir’d Laborers. For some trivial pounds Sterling paid weekly and a ration of Turnips and other such foodstuffs, a dullard Hibernian laborer can be easily employ’d in thy Services. The things which thy Employee can do for thee are simply Endless: in thy stead, the Irishman will solicit fresh-man recruits at the Grand Oriental Bazaar of Activities and Vocations, pass out Caramel’d Lozenges and other Sweets on Cross-campus so as to sign unwitting youths up for, like, a vaguely religious frat-type thing, and even attend in thy stead the horrid, interminable meetings of the Yale Collegiate Council! Workload problem: solv’d!
2. Obey Our Lord’s Sacred, Terrifying Commands.
If there be three Things which among them have caus’d the major part of student Burn-outs at our Wilderness Seminary, they be: lack of proper sleep due to fierce raids from Cambridge upon our feeble Colony, the inevitable death of Family-Members during wintertide, and a lack of obedience to our Lord God’s fearsome Commands. Therefore, if one has committed the grievous Error of over-committing to Extra-Curricular activities, it would be advisable to avoid the Holy One’s wrath by prudently refraining from:
-Excessive visitations to Sir Jeremiah Toad’s Den of Carnal Sin and Jazz Café
-Wearing garments of mix’t Fibers
-Kissing, feeling up, or otherwise Making Out with squirrels and other small, cute Beasts of the woods
-Accidentally praying to some other God
-Eating the flesh of cloven-hoof’d Creatures
-The detestable, possibly magickal amusement known to English and Forest-Dweller alike as “Mario-Kart”
-Clothing in colors (pink, green, light brown, etc.) that arouse Libidinous and Untoward urges
-Thinking about our most bless’d King, His Excellence Charles I, whilst one is Masturbating
While much discourag’d by some Pastors, it is a well-known Fact that Rum is quite useful in alleviating the pain of course-work and in making social gatherings more enjoyable. In fact, a well-apportion’d swig of Rum prior to an extracurricular Commitment can transform said commitment into a chaste and Godly Diversion! Be careful, however, to ensure that thine Rum was produced not in service of most unholy pagan Rites. Drink only rum produced by Christians and, if Christian rum is not available, that produced by Anglicans.
4. (IF STRICTLY NECESSARY) Wytchery.
It is to be noted, of course, that wytchery is most correctly forbidd’n by the elders of our Colony. It is a practice in gross defiance the Lord’s will, and it shall not go unpunished, whether by being burn’d at the Stake upon our Green or by eternal Torment in the next life.
However, such things consider’d, one’s Extra-Curricular load may be such that no option other than wytchery is possible. In this case, thou must seek out a local Harlot or other such Woman and, in words lascivious and brutal to our Lord’s hearing, ask for her assistance in obtaining wytchlike powers. She will likely ask thou to abscond forthwith to the Wood, wherein an utterly disturbing and likely bloody Rite of Darkness shall chain thy soul forever to the Speaker of Empty Promises. The pain will be indescribable and unending. Thereafter, nothing but causing dismay and catastrophe to God’s Children shall bring thee joy, and years hence, at the entrance to the Dark One’s kingdom of Fire, thou shalt weep, knowing that torment is what thou dost deserve for thine crimes against holiness. However, thou shalt also be able to balance thine schedule, serve on several Boards, and still have plenty of time for Beauty-Sleep, so, y’know, it’s a mixed bag.
Thus concludes our humble Listicle, offer’d to the Publick of this our Wilderness Seminary. May the Lord bless and keep thee in the coming days and may His awful judgment not come to rain upon thine shoulders.
Contact Micah Osler at email@example.com .