In a surreal Tuesday night ceremony, President Donald Trump nominated Kanye West to the Supreme Court of the United States.
At first, the veracity of the nomination remained unclear. Trump had just declared Neil Gorsuch, a lover of freedom, liberty and the death penalty, as his nominee. The judge was in the middle of delivering a sincere and grateful speech when Kanye leapt from the front row and seized the microphone.
“Yo, Neil, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let you finish, but I just wanted to say Antonin Scalia was one of the best justices of all time!” Kanye exclaimed. “And I still think I am the greatest at judging and making decisions.” Kanye reportedly spent $50 million on in-app purchases through his wife’s mobile-device game, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.
Gorsuch’s eyes widened in confusion as he whispered frantically to Trump. The president, though, shooed him away and patted Kanye on the back before engaging him in a firm handshake while mouthing, “Great job. Great job.”
Resuming control of the microphone, Trump pointed at Kanye and pronounced, “Look at my African-American Supreme Court justice over here!” Trump went on to praise the musician as the perfect successor to the late Justice Antonin Scalia. “They’re basically the same person,” Trump said. Giving a thumbs-up to the crowd, he continued, “I like being unpredictable. That’s what we need. A more unpredictable world.”
Kanye then praised himself in a series of disjointed remarks. “I am Earl Warren in the flesh,” Kanye claimed. “But just because I’m a judge don’t mean I’ma kiss your baby. I ain’t kissin’ no mothafuckin’ babies.” He also requested that, henceforth, the press refer to him as “the Honorable Yeezus.”
Asked about his views on the Constitution and whether he is an originalist, Kanye vigorously nodded his head. “I’m an original artist. I’m Andy Warhol. And Walt Disney. And Google.” Offering the verses “If my manager insults me again I will be assaulting him / After I fuck the manager up then I’m gonna shorten the register up” as emblematic of his approach to labor rights, Kanye indicated he would quote his rap lyrics in judicial opinions.
Legal scholars remain divided over Kanye’s judicial qualifications. “I look forward to hearing him rap from the bench,” said Scott Baio, who considers himself an amateur scholar of jurisprudence after attending several community education classes on “what to do if the cops pull you over while you’re driving drunk.” In contrast, the American Bar Association issued an unusually brief statement in response to the nomination: “fml.” Kanye refuted any criticisms of his inexperience: “I’m just trying to be a judge. I ain’t trying to be president.”
Meanwhile, Kanye’s potential future colleagues on the Supreme Court expressed a range of emotions over his nomination. Interrupting his thrice daily nap, Clarence Thomas LAW ’74 said he preferred Chris Brown to Kanye. Stephen Breyer, on the other hand, excitedly recited, “I’ve got 99 problems and Kanye ain’t one!” At this, Ruth Bader Ginsburg shook her head and mumbled something about “my turf.” She then laced up her Air Jordans and flipped the bird to a crowd of reporters.
Republican Congressional leaders threw their support behind the president’s nominee. “He seems absolutely capable and I trust the president’s judgement,” Speaker of the House Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis., said. He then began laughing uncontrollably and had to be escorted away by aides as tears dribbled down his cheeks. Trump and Kanye originally met at Trump Tower in December. Kanye said he was initially skeptical about Trump’s record on race relations, but was won over when the president used the word “multicultural,” discussed his friendship with Frederick Douglass and referred to Kanye as “a fantastic rapper of fantastic lyrics about fantastic things.” They then explored values they hold in common, including hyperbole, objectification of women and general delusion regarding reality.
The two also apparently bonded over their shared disdain for reading. Kanye confessed, “I am a proud nonreader of books. I would never want a book’s autograph.” Trump nodded, puckering his lips so they resembled a clenched anus. “I don’t care for books,” Trump said. “I really don’t. I only like certain books, very good books. I read a spectacular book once about this guy’s struggles and about how much he hated communism and weak leaders and Jews. I can’t remember what it was called, something German. I love the Germans; they’re one of the most intelligent people.”
Trump said he decided on Kanye as his Supreme Court pick after minutes of deliberation. Other candidates who made his short list included Sarah Palin, Gary Busey and Big Bird. However, the president ultimately decided to save these candidates for later, and potentially more combative, Supreme Court nominations, when their resilience and unanimous regard would prove advantageous. “Joan Rivers will make nice addition to Supreme Court when that rascal Ginsburg dies!” Trump tweeted.
The president briefly considered holding the nomination ceremony during halftime at the Super Bowl. This option was ultimately rejected, though, when Trump noted the game might be “rigged,” especially given the involvement of Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots. He also fretted about the possibility of meeting Lady Gaga, whose “crazy eyes,” meat dresses and uterus “freak him out.”
When asked about Gorsuch’s involvement and his peculiar dismissal, the president furrowed his brows and replied, “Who?” Gorsuch, for his part, remained gracious, though he admitted, “This hardly seems real. It’s like I’m living in an alternate reality.”
[Note: If you think this is a real news article, you probably voted for Gary Johnson. Or you might even be Gary Johnson. Thanks, Gary.]