Ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of the year again: Super Bowl Sunday is nearly upon us, and America is in the midst of preparing for its annual four-hour pickup truck commercial extravaganza and football championship. Given the difficulty of prioritizing one’s time on our nation’s second biggest drinking holiday, I’ve put together a handy guide showing you how to truly maximize your happiness.
Reasons to root for the New England Patriots
First, it’ll really annoy National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell, the sporting equivalent of Donald Trump, if they win. The Ginger Hammer, much like our new president, is a fabulously wealthy bumbling authoritarian. Think of him as Mussolini with a comb-over. In fact, perhaps the only difference between our Cheeto-in-Chief and Goodell is that the commissioner at least has the common decency to pretend that he cares about women’s rights.
Most importantly for this matchup however, Goodell makes a tremendous villain. The commish really doesn’t like the Patriots, and he seems to have royally miffed Patriots quarterback Tom Brady as a result of the more-than-questionable Deflategate investigation. That’s all the more reason to pray that he has to hand the Lombari Trophy to Brady, head coach Bill Belichick, team owner Robert Kraft and company on national television.
Second, the possibility of future videos surfacing of tight end Rob Gronkowski partying in foreign locales is worth it. The only thing that brings my cold, soulless life as a Washington sports fan any joy at this point is watching Gronkowski. Gronk, who may be the muscle-bound love child of the Incredible Hulk and a keg of Natural Light, spends much of his offseason joyfully gallivanting through the world’s bars and nightclubs sporting neon-colored frat tanks and a sense of youthful wonder. Whenever the Pats win, Gronk goes just as hard next to the DJ booth as he does on the field, and that’s awesome to watch. While he will not be playing in the Big Game itself due to injury, I stand by the sentiment that a happy Gronk is a fun Gronk.
Reasons to root for the Atlanta Falcons
Most importantly, Tom Brady and his perfect life bring shame to all of us. This isn’t so much of an attempt for me to persuade you to root for Atlanta as it is my best effort to convince you to root against New England. Brady, notorious UGGs spokesman and Donald Trump golfing partner is one of the most hateable people in professional sports. The sole pleasure I’ve derived from watching him win four championships was the knowledge that he was doing so at the expense of the now-retired Peyton Manning, whom I like even less. Now that Manning is gone, I can focus my attention on being annoyed with Tom Terrific.
Brady is the antithesis of the everyman. He’s rich, famous, successful, handsome and married to a supermodel. Conversely, I am an unemployed college student with a dad body. Jealousy alone should be reason enough to root against him.
Second, quarterback Matt Ryan and the Falcons honestly deserve this win. If NFL seasons were rap albums, this year would be Ryan’s “All Eyez on Me.” Much like the Tupac classic, Ryan’s MVP-caliber season is coming on the heels of a series of impressive efforts that steadily gained him respect as one of the great quarterbacks in the game.
Ryan has thrown for a stunning 38 touchdowns and 4,934 yards while completing nearly 70 percent of his passes. To top off an amazing regular season, Matty Ice dismantled both Seattle and Green Bay en route to a Super Bowl berth. Please, just enjoy watching Ryan and wide receiver Julio Jones destroy defenses and crush dreams! It’s awesome!
How to best avoid watching the Super Bowl
To be perfectly honest, this Super Bowl has the potential to be an all-time great contest. It’s pitting Brady, perhaps the best quarterback ever, against Ryan, a man at the height of his powers. That’s an exciting narrative even if you’re a casual sports fan. That being said, I understand that some of you might not be football fans. In consideration of that, here are a few things you could do instead of watching the Big Game.
1. Call your congressperson! This is a difficult time in our country’s history and now more than ever, citizens need to make their voices heard.
2. Volunteer at a local soup kitchen.
3. Spend quality time with your friends and family without sitting through four hours of terrible corporate onanism.
4. Figure out what the hell an “alternative fact” is supposed to be
and 5. Read George Orwell’s “1984” as a helpful guide to the next four years of American government. Yay sportsball!
Marc Cugnon is a senior in Calhoun College. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org .