1) John Harvard invented Harvard™ in 1636.
2) Harvard was originally built as a Colonial-themed Tomorrowland, under the bill of “Harvard’s Universe City”.
It was not popular.
3) The venture was turned around after the “Great and General Court of the Governor and Company of the Massachusetts Bay in New England” approved funds for the establishment of “a schoale or colledge”.
4) No one knew how to spell; this is why they needed Harvard.
5) Harvard is around today because we still can’t spell.
As you enter Harvard Yard, you may experience confusion or nausea. This is normal! The visionary architectural layout was designed to befuddle even the most keen of students. By utilizing the same demoralizing red brick and claustrophobic corridors, the Harvard labyrinth serves a dual purpose: trapping wayward tour groups who will eventually become feed for hungry scholars and ensuring that none of the students can escape. GPS is no help, because the land designated by the original overseers of the university actually exists on a portion of the nether plane that intersects with our reality. For navigation, Weekend suggests a ball of string. Alternatively, you can follow Harvard students undetected by disguising yourself as one of their own. They can’t see very well and rely mostly on scent, so bathing in the Charles River should do the trick.
If you’re lucky enough, you’ll be able to sleep in one of the common rooms of a Harvard residential hall. Every Yale residential college has an analogous sister “house” at Harvard. Take a moment to appreciate the inspiring names of the campus’ buildings, including “Hurlbut,” “Pennypacker” and “Wigglesworth.”
Getting to the stadium is easy enough. Be sure to never call it the Harvard Bowl, because, as you’ll notice, it’s only half-finished. This is a sore spot for many Harvardians, who seem to have forgotten to complete a lot of things, including their team names (despite their claims, “Crimson” remains an adjective).
Tailgating is a great way to fraternize with new people. Strangers to interact with include 1) our Harvard rivals, 2) your close friends who you’ve never seen drunk for this long before, and oh my God, these are nothing like the people you’ve grown to love, truly, the human body was not meant for such extended periods of inebriation, and 3) adults who actually care about college football. Some say tailgating can be tiring, but remember: you’re not expected to stay intoxicated from 10 in the morning through 6 p.m. You’re actually expected to get turnt starting 7 p.m. on Friday night and ride that buzz for the next 24 hours. For those of you with the carnal pleasures on your mind, beware! A common misconception among Harvard students is that a one-night stand with a Yalie will allow them to take your place in New Haven. Furthermore, be sure to carefully explain to your Harvard partner in unambiguous terms that you cannot take them home with you, no matter how hard they plead.
Remember, the Harvard-Yale Game is a long-standing institution, but that doesn’t mean there’s no room for new traditions. For example, a more recent tradition has been Yale’s loss, every year, for the past decade. As Yale students, it’s easy to become withdrawn from the game with the expectation of defeat, but just think about how jaded the Harvard kids must be at this point! The Yale side of the stadium will be filled with an undying hope while the Harvard side wearily prepares their annual slew of victorious taunts. Who’s the real winner here?
Be sure to dress appropriately. Lots of layers, hats, gloves and body armor in preparation for the hooliganism is a must. Remember that a fight is always a possibility. Harvard does not allow knives, firearms or “heavy chains” to be brought inside the stadium. (Weekend tip: unlink your heavy chains and distribute them amongst your friends to lighten them up). In the event of a riot, be sure to locate all of the exits. In the event that both the Yale and Harvard teams realize that, although their numbers are small, their average player is much stronger than the average spectator and decide to team up against the crowd, ask yourself: are you willing to put aside past grudges and throw yourself at the charging bodies of 250 pound behemoths alongside Harvard brethren, or will the conflict dissolve into a three-way bloodbath?
Bow Wow Wow!
Contact Adam harb at firstname.lastname@example.org .