In a phenomenal turn of events, Hillary Clinton LAW ’73 and the Yale football team both triumphed in a historic two-week span for the University.
The first victory came on Nov. 8, when Hillary Clinton won the presidency. She ran the first competent campaign of her career, becoming the last woman president in American history. Avoiding any major scandals, she was, in part, buoyed by a last-minute campaign ad that featured a crossover with KFC. In it, Clinton dressed in a white pantsuit remarkably similar to Colonel Sanders’ iconic outfit and, while carrying a plate of fried chicken and gravy, said, “We are great because we are finger-lickin’ gerd.” This, combined with other savvy moves such as actually visiting Wisconsin (a state remarkable only for its cheese, decaying economy and 10 electoral votes), contributed to her landslide victory.
Of course, Clinton received plenty of help from her adversary. Women voters turned against Donald Trump when a tape surfaced of the Republican nominee engaging in typical locker room talk by espousing the value of strategy, teamwork and fondling women’s genitals. These remarks stunned women voters, as Trump had previously displayed no signs of misogyny or sexual misconduct. Ultimately, they used their powers of logic and reason to vote for Clinton, who might actually care about them since she, too, has a vagina.
Clinton’s victory also stemmed from her ability to win over undecided voters. The News scoured the nation for these elusive swing voters in important battleground states and trailer parks. We found Trigger ‘Deep Fried’ McCracken swimming with his domesticated alligator in rural Florida. “I ended up not voting, but I would’ve voted for Hillary,” McCracken said. Originally, he had supported Trump, but McCracken began to change his mind after he experienced a miraculous vision of an angel who descended from Heaven and whispered in his ear that Trump is, in fact, a narcissistic billionaire whose policy ideas are strangely vague. The angel also revealed to McCracken the divine revelation of “false equivalency,” which the angel claimed many Trump supporters use when they equate Mrs. Clinton’s few fibs about her handful of retroactively classified e-mails with their candidate’s repeated and unabashed lies about literally everything. McCracken also said that he began to grow fonder of Mrs. Clinton when she described Trump supporters as “charming bog people” rather than “deplorables,” a remark he read about in “The New York Times” (the preferred periodical of noncollege-educated white males).
On campus, Clinton’s victory was met with a sense of inevitability. “I’m not surprised Hillary won,” said Flan Kovac ’17. “All these commentators were saying that we’re living in a ‘liberal bubble,’ but there is obviously no such thing.”
Nonetheless, some students did engage in shameless group hugs. “I’m so happy she won,” gushed Ima Commie ’19. “Last night, I had my chalk kit ready, because if Trump had won, I would’ve drawn some very rebellious but also inspiring chalk art on Cross Campus.”
Not everyone, though, was happy with Clinton’s win. “I’m ambivalent toward Hillary. Ultimately, my life wouldn’t have changed that much if Donald Trump had won,” said Cassandra Morello ’18, a gay transgender black Muslim environmental activist. “I can’t vote because I’m an undocumented immigrant, but if I could, I would’ve voted for Jill Stein. I have to vote my conscience, and, well, you know, the emails.”
Regardless of their political views, every Yalie rejoiced on Nov. 25 when, for the first time in a decade, the Yale football team defeated Harvard in the Game (popularly known to the proletariat as the Virgin Bowl, even though everyone has lots of sex here). Most of the Yalies we talked to did not understand what occurred on the field, due to a combination of alcohol, poor eyesight and general unfamiliarity with sports.
“We won?” queried Phil Major ’18, after being informed of the Bulldogs’ victory. “But did we really win? I think it’s time we put to rest this childish dichotomy of victory and defeat. No one wins when we compete for anything consequential.” Despite our walking away, Major continued to elaborate on his irrelevant viewpoints. “The world should function like a philosophy seminar, with everyone’s opinion equally valued until we figure out that you actually didn’t do the reading. In the end, nothing is actually achieved. It’s just a bunch of talking and intellectual masturbation.” At this point, we managed to escape, though we were cornered by Major at a party later that night.
The News spoke exclusively with a Harvard football player, who asked to remain anonymous due to extreme embarrassment from attending a safety school. He said the team’s morale was sapped by the fact that Harvard students have to attend school on Monday, when many superior universities are on break. He also revealed that the university is considering suspending the rest of the football team’s season, because their performance was “offensive” and “denigrating” in its ineptitude.
Members of the Yale football team were unavailable for comment on their momentous win, as they were busy bellowing at the top of their lungs like Celtic warriors and showering each other with champagne (players under the age of 21 did not partake in this activity).
It was a November to remember for Yale’s bad hombres and our very own nasty woman. This shows, once and for all, that we get the world we deserve, and we deserve nothing but the best.