On Jan. 30, 2007, Dean Jonathan Holloway, then-head of Calhoun College, took it upon himself to send what he described as “the most awkward collegewide email I’ve ever had to send,” the subject line of which featured the boldly reductive claim that “Shower Stalls are for Showering.”
The email was an indictment of the rash of “intimate activity” that had been steadily leaving the college showers in a “decidedly less hygienic state.” “Such continued brazen public displays of affection will only invite public embarrassment,” proclaimed a desperate Holloway. “I beg of you, let’s not go there.”
The most shocking part of the email was not Hollo-bae’s boner-killing rhetoric, nor was it the revelation that one couple’s rendezvous had produced enough flotsam and jetsam to render the facility useless for an agonizing 90 minutes. Rather, it was his naive belief that a simple “please stop” would deter the down and the dirty.
We have no doubt that Hollo-bae’s valiant efforts did little to discourage the hordes of horny “Hounies” from forsaking their twin XL for a similarly narrow and confining space. However, the fact that this is the best place you all could think of to have sex in gives us reason to be concerned.
While we would never pretend to turn our noses at a good-old-fashioned shower fuck, we firmly believe that you and your Yale student bodies can aspire to much more. You can do better than a communal Yale shower. We can all do better than a communal Yale shower.
With this optimism in mind, we’d like to encourage you all to be imaginative. Think outside the box, and you’ll thrive inside of it, if that’s what you’re into.
We know you’ve been neglecting your Kegels. We know you’ve been hoarding your FroCo’s free condoms like a squirrel hoards nuts, knowing full well that there’s a good chance winter will be coming before you will. We strongly suspect that some of you are at this point worried that your fleshlight is developing feelings for you. And we want to help you.
Who are we? We are your self-appointed cliterati, dedicated to the dissemination of valuable advice regarding sex and sexuality of all kinds, between all combinations of genders and genitals.
Our aim is not to shame, but to inform. College, after all, is nothing if not a time for rigorous self-exploration. As the sort-of-famous Dag Hammarskjöld once said: “The longest journey is the journey inwards.” While we doubt he was referring to the act of self-pleasure, we feel that the sentiment translates well.
Feel free to ask us any questions your heart, or other organs, desire. We’d be happy to discuss any range of delicate topics, including but not limited to:
How to have creative sex on a twin XL
How to have creative sex OFF a twin XL
Which Yale bathrooms have the best lighting for dick pics
How to have shower sex without getting caught by Dean Holloway
How to make SURE Dean Holloway walks in on you having shower sex
Which dining halls have the best dildo fruit
Where to hide your sex toys when you’re home for the holidays
… and so much more!
In our answers we will aspire to be open and honest but never too straight. Because you’re worth it.
Furthermore, we’ll also gladly accept any of your personal submissions: helpful advice, amusing anecdotes, wild fantasies. We, for example, have always wondered how many different sex positions one can feasibly adapt to the twin XL. Or where we can get our hands on a copy of The Staxx (Seriously. Let us know). No information is too much information.
Stay young, stay fuckable, and most of all, have a very merry Cock-tober.
Love and other indoor sports,
Submit your questions, comments, concerns and tips to firstname.lastname@example.org.