I have wonderful, wonderful news! My fingers are practically shaking with nerves at the thought of it. I know you and Mama will be excited once you come around to the idea.
Now, before I go ahead and let you in on the secret, please, please, please try to be supportive. I know you’re fond of reminding me that I’m only a 19-year-old girl and enrolled in one of the most expensive undergraduate institutions in the world, so I have to “make something of myself.” And I know that in the past, I’ve wholeheartedly agreed with you. I had planned to go to Harvard Law, to work at Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom, to fund and volunteer at a legal aid office, and own millions of multicolored suits from Ann Taylor.
But plans change. And last Wednesday night at Toad’s, mine changed for the better.
Okay. Papa, I know you’ve had trouble with your cholesterol in the last few months, so maybe you should take a seat. Take a deep breath. And smile! Because YOUR ONLY DAUGHTER IS GETTING MARRIED TO HER ONE TRUE LOVE! I know you’re probably bursting with questions, so I’ll try my very hardest to try to answer them all!
The night I met him was magical. I was at a local bar/nightclub/dimly lit storage space here in New Haven. My friends and I just wanted to decompress and dance with each other — just a nice, supportive, fun time with all of my friends who are girls. Just having fun. Bothering no one. Ha! I was so young then. Now I know I need a man.
Anyway, Papa, I was standing at the bar trying to find my group of friends when he approached me. Ahh, my sweet John Wickenspoon … I’m getting heart palpitations just thinking about how romantic it was.
John Wickenspoon very bravely approached me, decked out in his mint green mini shorts and Camp Yale t-shirt. He leaned in and said “Hey, you’re really pretty for an Asian girl!”
I, naive, brushed him off. He was invading my space, leaving just three inches between our bodies. It was hot and sweaty, and I didn’t want him to touch me. I tried to communicate this to him by physically pushing him away, but my sweet John Wickenspoon is a persistent fellow, definitely to a fault, as demonstrated by his next moves.
“So, like, where are you from?” I could smell the Bacardi on his breath. “Konichiwa! Arigato!” He’s slurring.
I’m not Japanese, but my heart starts pounding. I was falling in love!
Papa, this was the first time in my whole entire existence that someone has attempted to romance me by slaughtering a language he thinks I speak because I am Asian! Wow! What an novel experience! Wow! But just wait! It gets better!
My Johnny Lonny Wonny didn’t stop there! He leaned in, rested his hand on my left breast (my poor baby must’ve been exhausted!) and said “That fried rice has kept you looking tight!”
Well, that really sealed the deal. I decided right then and there we would marry and spend the rest of our lives together! When you find a guy as considerate as my little wittle Johnnykins, you hold onto him.
So I’ve been doing just that! Right now he’s locked in my room, Papa! He’s so close to agreeing, I can just tell! Sometimes he asks me for water in a whispering, weak voice, but I know that’s just him goofing off with me! Or sometimes he’ll cry silently into his food bowl and ask for salvation, but that’s just a bit we do!
But there’s no time to lose, though! Since I know he’s going to agree, I’ve already started planning the wedding! His friends Brad, Chad, Grad, Lad and Fad have already agreed to be his best men! And the colors are salmon and pasty white! And my friend Lily was lucky enough to be called a Nubian Queen at a bar in Chelsea just last week, so obviously they’re getting married too! We’re considering a joint wedding!
Everything is just falling together so perfectly! More details to come, Papa!