In 1991, Purdue sociologist Scott Feld discovered the Friendship Paradox: statistically, your friends are more popular than you. That is, on average, your friends have more friends than you have friends. 

Sad. Vexing. True. Don’t believe? Ask a friend. Oh, wait. 

But not only are you lonelier, you’re also having less sex, nerd. So says the research. To test the theory, we ventured behind Sterling to the epicenter of promiscuity at Yale.

No, not the dumpster where Explo kids make out. We went to the dumpster where Yale kids make out.

We went to Toad’s.

Twain quipped, “There are three types of lies – lies, damn lies, and statistics [that reveal that all of your friends are more licentious than you].” 

We tried to make this up. But instead we thought to give you the stats.

Screen shot 2015-11-19 at 2.14.12 PM

On average, those lame (see: drunk) enough to be polled on their way into Woad’s estimated themselves to be twice as sexually inactive as their friends and three times more inactive than their suites.

Qualitatively, research subjects expressed varying levels of apprehension when surveyed by the Mag.   

“I disagree with this assignment,” one strikingly handsome junior twice my height responded. “This is not really right. Right?” he added, still handsome.

Others were less bashful. “Can you write an 8 sideways?” inquired one junior. [We decided to omit this clear statistical outlier in the surprisingly professional-looking graph above.]

And that, friends of friends, is the Friendship Paradox at Yale. Hypothesis confirmed.