DEAR JACK:
I fear the sun is setting on my love life. Thus far, all of the potential baes have proved disinterested or cuffed. I doubt my own abilities to find love before the double whammy of Thanksgiving and winter breaks. In my experience, absence does not make the heart grow fonder … absence makes everyone remember how great Peter Shmaloshmey is. I can’t compete with Peter. He’s cool. He’s in a band, lives off-campus and is president of practically everything. If I don’t strike soon, my bae-to-be will only have fantasies of Peter’s silky ’stache to keep her warm and I’ll be left spooning my space heater. How’s a guy to find love before the big freeze?
— Netflix and Chilly
DEAR CHILLY:
Don’t discount the loving warmth provided by your space heater. If you forget to treat it right, bae-to-be won’t be the only one dreaming of Peter’s fine facial hair. Let the space heater be big spoon once in awhile; plug it in somewhere new; turn up the heat a little! Find a way to keep the spark alive without setting anything on fire.
If the space heater can’t satisfy all of your needs, consider how you can win bae’s love. If you think you can’t compete with Peter, then knock him out of the competition. I want to tell you the inspiring story of a young woman named Tonya Harding. Tonya had one dream in life: to win an Olympic gold medal. She devoted herself entirely to figure skating. Tonya was nothing if she wasn’t the best. Then one day, a rival emerged. Pretty little Nancy glided into town and threatened to take everything away from her. Tonya thought to herself:
“Why should Nancy get to skate around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under her big feet? What’s so great about Nancy? Hmm? Tonya is just as cute as Nancy. Tonya is just as smart as Nancy. People totally like Tonya just as much as they like Nancy. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that’s not what figure skating is about. We should totally just stab Nancy!”
Of course, Tonya didn’t stab anyone. She had too much grace, beauty and elegance to commit such a heinous crime. In an unrelated event, Nancy was clubbed with a police baton shortly before the U.S. Championships.
Even though police reports and court documents may say otherwise, I believe Tonya’s only crime was envisioning a world where she was on top. Coincidentally, that was a world without Nancy. She achieved something far greater than skating at the Olympics or assaulting figure skaters. She dreamed big. Perhaps not big enough: a true champion would’ve clubbed the seven other girls that beat her at the Olympics and finished off Nancy, who went on to take home the silver. You must dream even bigger. Open your heart to love and your mind to felonious activities. Envision a world where you are spooning a person, not a space heater. Coincidentally, that may be a world without Peter Shmaloshmey or his mustache. Discover how far you are willing to go to make your dreams come true. Your bad-boy attitude will shine through in all that you do and the baes will come running just in time for the winter chill.
Your friend,
Jack