I’m about to begin my last month of college. It’s terrifying, exciting and mostly insomnia-inducing. Like most of my classmates, I’ve become obsessed with the idea that I have to make this last month as good as possible. Some people I know are making bucket lists; others are committing to trying new things; but to me, this sounds like a lot of effort. After three and a half years of working really hard, I just want to be the 50-year-old soul that I am, i.e. sleep, munch on Cliff Bars from Durfee’s in the courtyard and complain about things these days.

For all the can’t-miss items on our collective docket, there are just as many things I would be more than happy to miss out on. So this is a list of all the Yale things I will no longer be putting up with, all the frustrations that I plan to ignore, the events you won’t be able to drag me to, the conversations I just won’t have. *exhales in a brief moment of inner peace. continues to munch on Cliff Bar.*

This is the opposite of a bucket list, because I am all out of buckets to give.

1. Listening to people brag about how much sleep they aren’t getting.

You could spend that time sleeping. I could spend that time sleeping.

2. Conversations about how people spend too much time bragging about how much sleep they aren’t getting.

We could all spend that time sleeping.

3. The tiny bagels in the dining halls.

4. New names for “Natural Foods Market.”

GHeav, I’ve got a place (in my heart) for you.

5. Pretentious/ironic methods of pronouncing “Maison Mathis.”

Use an “h.” This is America. *returns to Cliff Bar.*

6. Eating at Maison Mathis.

I refuse to pay money for food that only looks good on Instagram.

7. The phrase “I think my comment dovetails nicely with what you just said” in section.

I think your comment dovetails nicely with the fact that you didn’t do the reading.

8. The words “problematic,” “problematize” and “problematization.” Also “liminal,” “generative” and “Hegelian.”

I don’t know what those words mean.

9. The words “cover letter,” “job application,” “401(k)” and “rent.” Also “utilities,” “groceries” and “balance sheet.”

I really don’t know what those words mean.

10. Snapchat stories.

If you want me to see your photo, you should send it to me personally.

11. Emojis.

There is only one necessary emoji: the whale. It means everything and nothing. All else is frivolity.

12. Comparisons between Yale and Harvard

They’re not worthy. Let’s not diminish ourselves by bringing them up.

13. Comparisons between Yale and Hogwarts

We’re not worthy. Let’s not diminish ourselves by bringing them up.

14. “House of Cards” is a terrible TV show.

Not Yale-related, I just needed to get it off my chest.

15. Emails from fake “mysterious” addresses.

Are we really so bad at social interactions that we still think secrets are cool? Secrets don’t make friends. Did none of you read Judy Blume?

16. Durfee’s lines.

There is a clear way to make my path to a Cliff Bar more efficient, and none of you are even trying.

17. Meals in Saybrook.

You know what you did.

18. The Yale Post Office.

I’m trying to get away from experiences that induce deep, collective despair at the failures of human organization.

19. Meals in Commons.


20. Mention of the word “graduation.”


21. The fear that most of my friends will be moving away from each other after graduation and, consequently, that we will start to grow apart as we grow older.

See you at family dinner at 5:30 on every Sunday. Right, everyone? Right?

22. The deeper fear that I may have missed the chance to connect with many of the truly incredible people around me during my time at Yale and that now I only have a month, or less, to make up for that lost time.

Nope nope nope nope nope.

23. The still deeper fear that the reason I’ve missed that chance is that I’ve spent this last semester (and will probably spend this last month) in deep denial about the fact that I will ever leave this beautiful place and, as such, tried not to feel anything, because that would be too scary, and also to bury every real emotion under overblown displays of irony, sarcasm and holier-than-thou pendantry (see: this list).

*whale emoji*

24. Dubra vodka, Fireball whiskey, Coors Light.

Good riddance.