Feeling lonely? Lovelorn? Dreading Valentine’s Day? Never fear — WKND has devised the perfect solution to Yalies’ amorous woes. We’ve selected a handful of lucky bachelors and bachelorettes from a large and qualified pool of applicants for this week’s queer edition. They’ve summarized their: major; minor; superpower; future autobiography title; and ideal mate for you. Now you, dear reader, get to vote for your favorite contestant to determine who gets paired up for a V-Day blind date. Simply visit the WKND section of the YDN’s website, click on this article, scroll down and vote in the polls for your favorite bachelors and bachelorettes by midnight next Wednesday.
Major: Ethics, Politics, and Economics (imaginary minor: East Asian Studies / Chinese)
Superpower: I can spell basically any word you can think of.
Future Autobiography Title: To Affect the Quality of the Day
A description of your ideal mate: My ideal mate would be smart and thoughtful, with a genuine love of learning and sense of curiosity about the world. He would enjoy philosophizing till the wee hours of the morning, and he’d be an idealist, not a cynic — he would be capable of appreciating ambiguity, but he would also have deeply held beliefs and principles. He’d be a political radical who believes in the possibility of progress and making the world a more humane place, and he’d be compassionate and kind towards others. He would enjoy art, literature, theater, music and gourmandizing, and he would be adventuresome and willing to try out new activities and pastimes. He’d also have a good sense of humor and would be able to get me to lighten up when I’m too serious. Good looks certainly wouldn’t hurt, but I’m most interested in someone with a true personality.
Minor: Comparative Children’s Literature
I can draw a map of the U.S. freehand.
How did I get here?
Mr. Darcy’s wit with Mr. Bingley’s sincerity.
Superpower: To never need sleep!
Future autobiography title: Put(ting it) Together: My Story
My ideal mate is someone who has a lot of energy and enthusiasm, enjoys doing and talking about a lot of different things, cares about the world around him, and appreciates the occasional Yiddishism.
Undecided (still a freshman yo); Imaginary Minor: also Undecided (I am literally clueless)
The power to seduce anyone at any time.
“What I Learned from Grindr — and Other Life Lessons”
Sweet and charming, great sense of humor (self-deprecating is a plus), able to hold a fun, “all over the place” conversation, around 5’8”, blue eyes, proficient at twerking. Defined forearms are also a big plus.
Major: Djiboutian Studies
Minor: Being #flawless
Superpower: Faking my readings for section
Future autobiography title: #YOLO
Ideal Mate: Human with a pulse, between 18 and 22, under 5’11.” Funny, like Iliza Shlesinger, but as a gay male.
Bonus quote: If I don’t understand this intro econ class, how am I supposed to know how many shoes I can buy in one semester?
Major: History; Imaginary Minor: Political Science
Superpower: You know, I’ve always wanted the power to turn my enemies into potatoes; if I were a super (or rather a supper) hero, I’d call myself “Spud” Bud.
Autobiography: Not This Guy Again: The Life and Times of Me
Ideal Mate: Someone swell, kind, and supportive. All else is on a per-case basis.
Major: Sociology, with a minor in ugly selfies
Superpower: Using beanies to cover up bad hair days
Future autobiography title: (hair flip emoji)
Ideal mate: Nice hair, kind eyes, and a burning hatred for capitalism
Major: Music (with a minor in Unemployment Studies)
Superpower: Waterbending. This has been confirmed by three independent buzzfeed quizzes.
Future autobiography title: Blizzard Baes: The Musical
Ideal mate: I’m interested in someone who makes me laugh. Someone athletic but who is secretly artsy in their spare time. Someone strong outside and gentle inside. Someone who likes to go on outdoor adventures. I tend to think blond and muscular, but that’s totally not a requirement. I’m a tea person, but I don’t discriminate.
Major: Chemistry, probably. Imaginary minor: EDM (electronic dance music for those of you who aren’t hip with today’s youth)
Superpower: I’m memorable enough that people know who I am, but not memorable enough that I’m ever suspicious 😉
Autobiography: Oh God, What’s Going On: The Story of Some Guy, or Something
My ideal match: someone who can surprise me. Someone feminist. Someone was voted “Most likely to secretly be a Russian Spy” in High School.
Major: Chemistry & Economics, minoring in global food appreciation
Superpower: My cuddles. I’ve been told that I “just fit so perfectly”
Future autobiography title: “I Dared to Dream”
My ideal mate will somehow learn to love all sides of me: the sassy, the derpy, the nerdy, the idealistic, the logical, the ambitious, the adventurous (in all different ways… was that subtle enough?) and the loving.
Major: English major with a minor in hypotheticals
Some of my superpowers include shape-shifting gradually with diet and exercise, fine motor skills and invisibility to bartenders.
Future autobiography title: Playbuzz said, “The Diary of a Traveling Renegade: the Tale of You” — YOU
My ideal mate has a long silken coat, fine pointed teeth and a working familiarity with all four episodes of 30 Rock. She loves games and fun-spirited horseplay and would have no use for a Brita filter. She wouldn’t even know what it was. Her one big indulgence is Q-tips. She’s a southpaw. She rides a bicycle, or she could if she wanted to. She’s sensitive but hard to crack, and funny, like a walnut.
Major: Psychology, minoring in Sleep Inertia Studies.
Superpower: The ability to control time. This is the only way I’d be able to get a decent amount of sleep AND make it to my 10:30 chem class on time.
Future autobiography title: Dreams of My Father. Wait, fuck.
Ideal mate: Beautiful eyes, taller than I am (5’2 ¾”. Fractions are important) if a dude, solid facial structure, funny, charming, sarcastic and sassy, witty, enjoys/appreciates/tolerates puns of all qualities, a top-notch cuddler with a great butt.
Double major in computer science and linguistics
Superpower: The ability to find two girls who are clearly in love with each other in any given TV show. Also basic hacking skills.
Future autobiography title: “Programming Languages are like Real Languages, Only Better”
Ideal mate: Someone sweet who appreciates nerdy pop culture references.
Major: Thug Life: Volume 1
Minor: Street Fame
Superpower: My REAL superpower is being able to make people desire me by dilating my pupils when thinking of chocolate cake
Future autobiography title: I Still Don’t Know How To Cite; Sorry In Advance
My ideal mate would have their sex parts intact, be musical, and be lactose-intolerant (aka vegan), but the cheesiest there is.