Over winter break, my friend told me to try Sims Freeplay on my phone. Being the sheeperson that I am, I downloaded it from the App Store and created my first character, Bilbo Baggins, who lives in a log cabin. (I had just watched the Hobbit trilogy.) On the afternoon of December 30, as I watched Bilbo plant bell peppers in his garden patch, a pop-up appeared: “NEW QUEST AVAILABLE,” it said. “THE RESOLUTION SOLUTION: Complete this quest to get a Party Pack.” Bilbo was definitely the kind of hobbit who would dig a Party Pack, so I proceeded. My first step of the quest, titled “Discuss Resolutions with a Sim,” explained that one of Bilbo’s resolutions was “to have more parties.” Good thing I’m gonna get him a party pack, I thought to myself.
But I couldn’t figure out how to complete said task, how to “Discuss Resolutions with a Sim.” I tapped Bilbo multiple times with my index finger, but the only options that came up were “Ultimate Make Over” and “Have Birthday,” and Bilbo wasn’t yet ready to grow up — he still wanted to enjoy youth and have more parties, as stated. So I gave up and, after watching him stretch for a few seconds, I made him plant more bell peppers. Oh, well. Bilbo will have to wait until 2016 to wear his party hat.
Contact Emily Xiao at email@example.com .
Liz: Steph, I’m hungry.
Steph: This is not new. You were hungry yesterday. You were hungry before lunch. You were hungry after lunch.
Liz: So were you. Chinese was your idea last time.
Steph: It was necessary.
Steph: I didn’t even get into Structure of Networks… #needaQR #englishmajor #whatislyfe
Steph: This really needs to stop… I spent more money on food this week than I did on textbooks… and I went to the Bookstore! #toolazyforAmazon #englishmajor
Liz: We could bench press your books.
Steph: I mean, I can walk to the car… to pick up the food. That’s exercise – you have to go outside.
Liz: Exercise gives you endorphins.
Steph: So does chocolate #truefact. We haven’t had pizza in a while…
Liz: “A while.” If Marie Antoinette lived with us, it would have been “Let Them Eat Everything.”
Steph: I wonder how she would’ve felt about Claire’s.
Liz: I like to comfort myself that it’s a vegetarian cafe.
Steph: That’s healthy, right? Like, it has the word vegetable in…
Liz: Spring rolls have vegetables.
Steph: Rolls. Lol… and she “rolls” into class….
Liz: Structure of Networks? 😉
Steph: I can’t believe they capped that…
Liz: There’s a “History of Food” class. You could take that.
Liz: Wait. I didn’t make any New Year’s Resolutions this year. What if we tried not to order food past 10 P.M. this semester? The refrigerator would look like a gleaming gate to Heaven.
Steph: *insert gif of Benedict Cumberbatch crying his beautiful eyes out*
Steph: I don’t like the sound of this
Liz: The New Haven restaurant economy doesn’t like the sound of this.
Steph: What if we put people out of business? IT’S THEIR LIVELIHOOD, LIZ. People are able to eat because we eat.
Liz: Crunchbutton, then?
Steph: Please, it’s been loaded this entire time.
Contact Stephanie Addenbrooke and Elizabeth Miles at
firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com .
For all the presents we’d regift if Facebook didn’t show photos of our friends with their “new” gifts. (But we promised ourselves that we’d be economical in 2015!) For all our thinner-than-us friends who resolve to get even thinner than us this year. For when ‘getting the girl’ becomes just stalking her CourseTable and magically appearing in all her classes during shopping week. For all the Grandmas with Fitbits®. For putting off our resolutions and giving the first week of January a get-out-of-jail-free card. For finally getting in touch with old friends…over Facebook.
Because two cups of coffee is less of an addiction than three cups of coffee. Because those awkward daring haircuts grow out and the Christmas lights might be down by Valentine’s Day this year. Because maybe your Valentine’s Day gift won’t be from your parents. Because you’ll outdo your 2014 self by watching two seasons of Game of Thrones in a row instead of just one. Because maybe you’ll get enough sleep until shopping-week-Woad’s. Because maybe you’ll remember your resolutions longer than you’ll remember this article.
Here’s to 2015, even if it only means being slightly less mediocre by accomplishing slightly less mediocre resolutions.
Contact Kelsi Caywood at
Last year, I decided to make more resolutions. I thought I was being rather clever: In bypassing the whole stick-to-one-resolution-per-year deal, I could consistently make smaller resolutions on a daily, or weekly basis. After a variety of failed resolutions, I made one for the fall semester, hoping I could stick with it. I resolved to overcome my clumsiness. (Now that I think about it, of course, the resolution was doomed to fail: I cannot control the physical world or my body).
The school year started out fine. No trips or falls. But two months in, trouble came knocking.
First, I fell down the Bass Library steps. Yes, I was wearing heels and, yes, that was a stupid decision, but I still fell down 10 hard, stone steps! The following week, while running in the Pierson gym, no high heels in sight, I fell off the treadmill. After a sad attempt to get back on, I fell again. I still have scars from the encounter with that evil contraption.
Finally, I experienced the most terrifying mishap right before screw. A few of my friends and I had snagged a nice table at a tapas restaurant. Small candles on each table illuminated the room. The dinner went wonderfully until a friend suggested that we take a selfie. As we leaned over, my hair trailed into one of the candles and burst into flames. Although I managed to extinguish the flames with my fingers and some water, the experience was incredibly scarring (emotionally, not physically).
I think I learned my lesson this year. I’m choosing one resolution and sticking to it, and this resolution has nothing to do with my clumsiness. I’ve already come to terms with my own permanent, inevitable clumsiness. My resolution is to exercise three times a week. Super original, I know.
Contact Sofia Braunstein at
WKND slept real late last semester. It started innocently enough: One Saturday morning, sated with suds from the night before and feeling decadent, we awoke at 10:30 and decided we deserved a break, so we went back to sleep. At 2:43, WKND rolled out of bed, took a shower, and began our day. But when we tried to get to sleep that night, our Saturday sloth came back to haunt us. We fell asleep at 4:30 AM and awoke at 1:45. And so the cycle began. With no morning seminars to rouse us, WKND became practically nocturnal, navigating the streets of New Haven by echolocation, feasting only on Wenzels or instant noodles (and once a Wenzel garnished with instant noodles.) This continued through the end of the semester. And so, on December 28, catching a glimpse of our pale and flabby figure in the mirror, WKND resolved to Wake Up Earlier This Semester.
Fast forward three weeks.
Our alarm clock rings. It’s 9:45 a.m. on the first Thursday of shopping period and WKND’s schedule is just about almost kinda set. But one thing we do know is that we have no Thursday classes before our 3:30 seminar, “Traffic Enforcement in the American City, 1910-2000.” And so we hit the snooze button once. And then again. And then a 17th time. And then our alarm clock gives up and suddenly it’s 2:30 and it’s time to shower and eat a rushed breakfast.
There’s always next year.