Starting today, you have exactly one week to find your soul mate, to ensure that you won’t spend Valentine’s Day on an intimate, candlelit dinner with your Netflix (WKND personally thinks that sounds pretty nice but we digress). Here, a slew of insightful reporters have uncovered the most foolproof paths toward securing your lover, just in time for Friday.
Desired soulmate: A 2014 Rumpus 50 Most-er
Monday: Easy start: Peruse the bowels of the Yale Rumpus website for past issues of 50 Most, pertaining to the years you have attended Yale College. Just browse and pick your target. (Looking to catch a fresh winner from this year? You’ll have to get biblically acquainted with someone on the Rumpus staff for all the sordid secrets.)
Tuesday: 50 Most-ers tend to frequent certain places with admirable regularity. First spend some quality time inside Payne Whitney Gymnasium. Beautiful People do not work out in their college basement gyms because they don’t contain nearly as many admirers machines as the fourth floor of Payne Whitney. Put on your Lulus or Nikes and take the first step on the road to love.
Wednesday: Time for some beauty prep and a second stakeout: Head to one of New Haven’s premier hair salon and spas for a nice blowout. Think you’ll only find chicks? While your favorite hot biddie will most definitely be there getting a root touch-up or wax, many male 50 Most-ers have been known to frequent the spa for a full-body massage or two. Save the man some money and offer your soothing services next time.
Thursday: Beautiful People don’t wait for Friday night to start their weekends — fuglies stay home on Thursdays so BPs (and now you!) will take advantage of the hotter pool on Thirsty Thursdays. Hit up Box and nurse your drink — love heals all wounds, especially hangovers.
Friday: You’ve done your research, worked out, dropped some beauty bucks, and demonstrated your ability to have fun: Your chosen one should be hanging off your arm and that troll who turned you down last month has fainted from jealousy. Hmm, what’s that? You just ended up cuddling with a restraining order? Wait, so you staged four stakeouts all across campus without ever actually introducing yourself? Love is great and love is kind but love will not represent you in court.
// Andrea Villena
Desired soulmate: A certain Dean of Yale (hint: not Pollard) who announced his or her (hint: her) intention to step down at the end of the academic year. It will be our last chance to possess the heart of our one true love (it’s an Aztec thing). Time for a little grand strategizing.
Monday: Throw an off-campus party and emphatically register it with the Dean’s office. To show that we care.
Tuesday: Adopt a shelter cat and name it Rainbow the Second. Take some truly adorable pictures and post them on Instagram. Hope that a certain Dean of Yale College (hint: rhymes with “dairy spiller”) follows us, which he or she almost certainly does.
Wednesday: Throw and off-campus party and don’t register it; we’re playing hard to get. Go to Woads and dance with other administrators.
Thursday: Cool-off period. Don’t text, don’t call, no matter how hard it is to resist. “But I just want to ask for help on my ‘Ancient American Art’ reading response!” No. Self-control.
Friday: The big day is here. Finally respond to the iMessages that have been marinating, unread, on our phone since Wednesday. Say that we were “going through some stuff” but that you now want to “talk.” This is, of course, utter bullshit. The only thing we went through was a full fifth of Jack Daniels. But a certain Dean of Yale College (hint: it’s Mary Miller) doesn’t need to know this. When we meet for sandwiches at Atticus (we pay, even though each sandwich costs $25.95), get down on one knee and pop the question: “Can I have an extension on my paper?” She’ll know what we mean.
// David Whipple
Desired soulmate: Priscilla, Crest 3D White™ of my life, fire of my gums. My sin, my soul. I fell in love with her the first time she cleaned my teeth. She was looking like a total babe with her new bob cut and her chili-pepper-patterned scrubs, and she was going to town on my plaque buildup. I’m determined to make her my Valentine.
Monday: Call up Olga, the receptionist, and schedule an appointment for Wednesday. Get to chatting. (This may be hard; Olga barely speaks English.) Casually let slip that I’m dating Jennifer Lawrence. Olga will tell Priscilla; Priscilla will get jealous. The catch? I’m not actually dating Jennifer Lawrence. I’ve never even spoken to her. It’s a trick.
Tuesday:Call Olga again. Cancel Wednesday appointment, citing an important benefit for panda conservation (this is cute and sort of sexual). Reschedule for Friday. By now I’ll definitely be the main topic of water-cooler conversation in the dentist’s office.
Wednesday: Lay low.
Thursday: Call Olga. Ask to speak to Priscilla directly. If Olga refuses, threaten her. Fucking Olga. Once Priscilla is on the line, tell her that I’m sorry, but I have to cancel again: I stupidly forgot that a) I have a hot date with Jennifer on Friday, and b) I live 150 miles away, at YALE UNIVERSITY. Priscilla and I will have a good laugh over my absent-mindedness.
Friday: Punch self in face. Collect teeth from floor and call for a heli-vac. Helicopter will whisk me away the dentist’s. Priscilla will fix my teeth, and we’ll reminisce. By the end of the procedure she’ll have decided that fate brought us together on Valentine’s day. We’ll marry in the fall.
// Oliver Preston
Desired soulmate: That one girl, in that one class of mine. Strategy: Leverage my current girlfriend to help me find a date.
Monday: Ask my crush if she’d like to get dinner tomorrow night at 5:30. Ask my girlfriend if she’d like to get dinner tomorrow night at 6:15.
Tuesday: As the crush meal ends, my girlfriend sits down at our table. Girlfriend and crush meet for the first time. The two girls are equally cute, which sparks a mutual feeling of rivalry. My crush sees that I have a girlfriend, and becomes attracted to my sexy unavailability, or so I assume. My girlfriend becomes suspicious. My second dinner is consumed in stony silence. I leave the dining hall uncomfortably full of beef curry, but confident in the brilliance of my plan.
Wednesday: I’m so full that I oversleep, and miss the morning class I share with my crush. I’ve ordered her a singing valentine, which my girlfriend delivers. (It’s easy to forget she does a capella, because I never go to her concerts.) My girlfriend breaks up with me by text. My crush sends her boyfriend to break my nose by hand.
Thursday: I cry alone in my room.
Friday: I go out clubbing as a bachelor for the first time in a year. I have no friends with me, because I kind of forgot to hang out with them back when I had a girlfriend. But after a few shots, who needs friends? I dance like there isn’t a huge bandage on my nose, and the part where I spend three minutes doing the Worm in a puddle of spilled beer really turns the ladies on. I wake up the next morning with a new girlfriend asleep on my couch. Three Valentine’s Days in a row!
// Aaron Gertler
Desired soulmate: A Yale Law School student
Monday: She’s probably gonna want to see a resumé. I’d recommend hitting up UCS for some pointers, though generally all I milk out of career counselors is a few LinkedIn friends and that post-ashram euphoria when they empower my whole starving artist shtick. Remember, on the resumé, to center your name and put it in bold. It’s pretty crucial to leave out the dates of your accomplishments. “Of course, yes, where it says ‘Editor-in-Chief, Shady Side News,’ it refers to the post-Rhodes gap year I spent rallying prison inmates to exercise their freedom of speech. No, of course it doesn’t refer to my time as the spineless overlord of my high school news rag!”
Tuesday: Rewind, actually. You can’t just court a law student. You gotta have what my friends over at SCOTUS Blog like to call standing. And, who knows, maybe she doesn’t have jurisdiction over you (that’s what they all say).
Wednesday: Leave a love memo in the pages of her Con Law textbook. Rhapsodize on “Loving v. Virginia.” (Yes, let’s call our gal Virginia.) Love may be the universal language, but law is the language of power.
Thursday: Ok, no luck yesterday, huh? Virginia thought your love letter was a submission to the Law Review, so now she’s handing it back all covered in red ink. Maybe it’s time for oral arguments. “Your Honor,” you say — standing up at Blue State, where she’s slumped across from you, slurping on her fourth iced chai — “I feel about you the way Justice Stewart felt about pornography: I know it when I see it.”
“Define your terms, buster. What is the ‘it’ here?” she attacks.
You get cold feet, so it’s time to look to a great YLS alum for inspiration. (Who knew the Clinton Global Initiative had a Romance project?)
“It depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is,” you counter. Oh, if only your philosophy TA could hear you now!
Virginia graduated summa cum laude from Princeton. She doesn’t have patience for this bullshit. Plus, she’s taking a human rights seminar, so she’s feeling a lot of empathy at the moment.
“You’re into me, eh?”
Friday: You have an 8 o’clock reservation at Ibiza. My guess is, she’s paying.
// Yuval Ben-David
Desired soulmate: Does your bleeding heart beat a little faster for that cute guy in section with the summer internship on Capitol Hill?
Of course it does, so what follows is a week of up-worthy tricks to feed that boy’s buzz. Here’s hoping you end up in the sweet embrace of his welfare state.
Monday: Start small: Send a flirtatious email using the stock template from the Democratic National Committee. “Are you as fired up about this as I am?” you could write. “Chip in $3 or more and win the chance to join Barack for dinner — if you know what I mean.” And yes, he’ll know what you mean. Finish off with a coy and clever subject, like “Join me” — perhaps “I’m asking you,” Michelle Obama’s heading of choice.
Tuesday: Cute married couples breakfast in bed. At Yale, just waking up for breakfast is impressive, which means one morning meeting is sure to put you on the fast track to his Keystone Pipeline. Meet in Trumbull to scroll through Mike Allen’s latest on your iPhones. After coffee, head back to his place for a little nature’s finest before your Tuesday morning Global Affairs seminar. Talk about the perfect first date, or at least the perfect replacement for “Adventure Time.” Paul Krugman is off today.
Wednesday: Wednesday is a time not just for capturing his attention but also everyone else’s. Go viral — and might I recommend a whiteboard campaign to take you there? Nothing says, “Let’s make this a year of action” like taking lots of little pictures of your friends holding signs referencing their political beliefs in light of various immutable characteristics and then posting them on Facebook. It’s very Spartacus but also very Cher in Clueless — hey, solidarity is weird sometimes. Grab a sharpie and strike a pose, then pin all five Polaroids in his locker.
Thursday: By this point in the week, you will be one of the few people in the world to grace the middle section of the Venn diagram between “professional pickup artist” and “liberal young professional.” Embrace it (Bill Clinton did and now he has his own foundation). Now is the time for the “Say Anything” of left-leaning romantic gestures: the protest. Pick up a few slices of poster board and station yourself outside his entryway. Scrap typical chants for “What do you want?” instead; you’re all about that enthusiastic consent.
Friday: It’s time to make Valentine’s Day his election night. Spend all day rehashing Anthony Weiner’s finest as your own: “hey sexy baby.” “with me behind can’t we both watch daily show?” “when am i gonna get some Lisa pics?” Wait for the pics. Don’t call him Lisa. Lean in. Then let him join your Barack for dinner.
// Marissa Medansky
Desired soulmate: Love isn’t just going to reach out and grab you! You have to look for it! If you’re open to it, there are lots of great people out there, like, say, Colin from Booktrader, for example.
Monday: Put Your Best Foot Forward: It might sound cliché, but you really do have to love yourself before anyone else can be in love with you, so don’t be afraid to spend some time on you! Get that new blouse you’ve been thinking about, because Colin will totally think it’s cool, and he’ll probably want to go out with you.
Tuesday: Break Into Colin’s Room: He has to go to work sometime, right? It’s a perfect time to try on all his clothes and blow kisses to yourself in the mirror!
Wednesday: Write Colin a Threatening Letter: If he loves his family, he’ll have to love you, too! #IKnowWhereYourMomWorks
Thursday: Tie Colin Up: Explain to him that you two are meant to be. What does he mean he has a girlfriend? Doesn’t he understand what you two have together? How could he do this to you? Shut up, Colin. I don’t want to hear another lie come out of your dirty mouth. Mother always said I shouldn’t trust men. SHUT UP, COLIN! What to do? What to do? What to do? He’s a damned liar. That’s what he is. Liars need to be taught a lesson.
Friday: Bury Colin Quietly. And then, flowers: You can never go wrong with roses!
// Ryan Bowers
Desired soulmate: An unsuspecting lover. Not just any old valentine, but my literal soulfuckingmate. One who knows how to satisfy every one of my cravings.
Monday: Wear short skirt. Wait in Alpha Delta.
Tuesday: Wear plunging top. Wait in Alpha Delta.
Wednesday: Wear shorter skirt. WAIT IN ALPHA DELTA.
Thursday: Wear turtleneck — he likes mystery, WAIT IN ALPHA DELTA!
Friday: Tube top. You know where I’m at.
// Leah Motzkin
Desired soulmate: Aretha Franklin, whose soaring soulful voice has gotten me through the ugliest first week of February in my life. Some say the difference is big. I say age is just a number. Others may say she’s out of my league. I say I’m out of my mind in love.
Monday: Knock on her door, knock on her door. Tap on her windowpane. Say, “Can I come in?”
Tuesday: Buy the Queen of Soul a chain of fool’s gold. Demand a little respect — that’s all I’m askin’.
Wednesday: Say a little prayer for her. Take time through all my coffee-break time, and say (another) little prayer for her.
Thursday: Make her feel like a natural woman. Jump Jack Flash (her ex-bf).
Friday: Think (think!) about what she’s trying to do to me. Buy plane tickets to the Bahamas for two; help her conquer her fear of heights.
// Andrew Koenig