As you all know, our beloved University president, Richard Levin, will be stepping down at the end of this year after 20 years of service to the Yale community. As the co-chairs of the Search Committee for Rick Levin’s Successor (SCFRLS), or scerfulls, as we affectionately call ourselves, we consider it our duty to keep the student body informed of our decision making process. With this in mind, below is the current lineup of possible successors to President Levin along with the statements submitted by each candidate. Please take this list seriously, as it represents both the months of hard work by the committee and the welfare and future of this University.
N. Ferguson and Co.
Deans of Administrative Functionality
Police Chief Ronnell Higgins:
To the Yale Community:
I write to let you know that I officially announced my candidacy for the office of President of Yale University this evening at Elm and Temple Streets at approximately 6:30 PM (Click here to view the incident’s location). My wife, who is not a member of the Yale community, was approached by two members of the search committee who carried briefcases and asked of my whereabouts. No injuries were reported.
If you wish to express any support for my candidacy or should observe any suspicious activity on the part of other candidates, please call the Yale Police at 203-432-4400 or text your anonymous tip to 67283.
As a general reminder, please be aware of who the President is at all times, talk about me to the committee when possible, avoid displaying valuables, note the location of emergency Blue Phones, and make use of security services, including shuttle services and door-to-door rides after dark.
Ronnell A. Higgins, Chief of Police
President of Yale University, Grudziądz, Poland:
Greetings to America. I, Andrzejek Kzrlsatkpjk would like very much be President of Yale, you know? As President of Yale University at Poland, I make many good things happen at Yale University at Poland. We increase double size of Natural History Museum collection from 5 rocks to 8 rocks. Our hit cat with stick team come in second place every year (louses at Warsaw University cheat. Hit very small cat with very big stick). We renovate many place at Yale University at Poland. We put ceiling on every dormitory (well, not every dormitory), and no more forced octuples (well, some forced octuples). If I am Yale President, every student make for only 3 homework classes per week! Thank you.
I would like to offer my services in continuing the hard work and success of Yale’s greatest President, Rick Levin. Although you don’t know me (I’m a total stranger to the Yale community), I think I would best fill the admittedly gigantic shoes of soon-to-be-former-President Levin.
Wow, that Shrick Shlevin character sounded pretty smart. We should listen to him.
A. Real Personson:
Boy, that Shmick Shmevin said some pretty cool stuff. His ideas sounded pretty groovy to me!
It has recently come to my attention that there is a new Yale University regulation requiring all off-campus parties for more than 50 people to register with the Dean’s office. In the motherland, 50 people is a get-together! Seriously! I had 5 million people at my birthday party, and we had a great time. I mean, like for realpolitik. What is this? Soviet Russia? Ha haha ha … but seriously, if more than 50 people have an off-campus party, I will throw you in a gulag.
The Yale Pundits:
Oh boy, do we have some hilARIOUS ideas for being the President of Yale. Like, what if we changed all the silverware in the dining halls to PLASTIC! Wouldn’t that be RICH!? Can you imagine the looks on everyone’s faces when they grab a plastic fork instead of a metal one! Wait, or what if we sent out an email that announced that Fall Fest was actually happening in SPRING! Can you imagine the looks on everyone’s faces when they read that email! Priceless.
Fareed Rafiq Zakaria: born January 20, 1964) is an Indian-American journalist and author. From 2000 to 2010, he was a columnist for Newsweek and editor of Newsweek International. In 2010 he became editor-at-large of Time. He is the host of CNN’s “Fareed Zakaria GPS.”  He is also a frequent commentator and author about issues related to international relations, trade and American foreign policy.