After the Associated Press revealed that the New York Police Department had been monitoring Muslim student associations at Yale, we were able to obtain access to the Official Police Report, which reveals the shocking findings of years of expert investigation on Yale’s campus. Students are advised to read in the safety and privacy of their rooms.
“The New York Police Department submits the following report to the City of New York, Michael Bloomberg, mayor, for consideration in maintaining homeland security.
Our findings regarding Yale University’s history and alumni highlight the institution’s long history of terrorism and subversive activity. One of its earliest graduates, a Mr. Nathan Hale, is infamously remembered as one of the nation’s first experts in espionage. Not only did the University allow this spy to graduate but it also honors him today with a statue on ‘the Old Campus’ that bears his final insurgent utterances, ‘I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country.’ Fanatical rhetoric has even been incorporated into ‘Bright College Years,’ the University’s unofficial alma mater. The lines, ‘the shortest, gladdest years of life,’ clearly invoke the glory of a short but honorable life sacrificed for the extremist cause of jihad. There are also clear allusions to the Arab Spring in the lines, ‘The seasons come, the seasons go,/ The earth is green or white with snow,’ the latter half a clear reference to the ashen remains of American civilization as we know it.
Past aside, the current environment at the University reveals greater cause for concern. We believe it is no coincidence that a popular religious meeting place on campus is named Battell Chapel, an open reference to an impending battell with American values. Some nights earlier this year, our surveillance teams were able to pick up the traditional extremist chants of Yale students. The transcript reads, ‘The ’Houn, the ’Houn, the ’Houn is on fire! We don’t need no water, let the motherfucker burn!’ This inflammatory slogan both promotes the fiery destruction of American infrastructure and demonizes the classic American hero, John C. Calhoun. Students have taken to nourishing themselves with traditional Middle Eastern cuisine, frequenting the suspicious local falafel establishment, Mamoun’s. Who ‘Mamoun’ is remains to be ascertained. Other surveillance has gleaned that students have been gathering and organizing at both ‘Blue States.’ We have determined this to be code for impending battells in two of the several New England liberal states, including Massachusetts, Connecticut, or, possibly, New York.
As this report confirms, it is absolutely necessary that the United States government prepare for battell with these Yale militants before President Levin officially declares fatwa on the innocent citizens of this country.
Report filed by:
Sgt. N. Ferguson
New York Police Department”
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