I fail to derive any meaning, purpose or viewing pleasure from American football, and I realize this admission might seem too international. Actually, I enjoy some sports despite my heaven-sent lack of hand-eye coordination. But actively watching them? I can somewhat relate to this brand of fanaticism — did you check out that i-n-t-e-n-s-e tennis men’s finals at the Australian Open last week?!

But the more I think about football, the less sense it makes. Even more nonsensical, I’ve found, is sitting in front of a television screen cursing at everyone and their dog over a fumble, a missed call or some other sports term I don’t have time to Google. The Super Bowl, which takes place today, embodies both the yearly culmination of this zany phenomenon and its most emblematic event. Watched by millions of aficionados across the United States, it’s a celebration for fans everywhere, a tremendous moneymaker for the National Football League and, most importantly, a waste of your time.


5) Madon-NO!

Due to what I can only assume represents a miraculous triumph for cryonics, Madonna still records music and she can still contort her body in 101 shapes. Plus, since touching one of her breasts would probably incur thousands of British pounds in Madonna-imposed fines, the NFL played it ruhl safe by selecting her for this year’s halftime show. I have nothing against Madonna; God and my neighbors know “Like A Prayer” doubles as my go-to tune for instantaneous catharsis. She has also mastered and capitalized on the many usages of the “girl”/”world” rhyme in at least half a dozen of her songs. The Super Bowl performance itself, we can all hope, will not turn out too badly — it’s not as if dear old Madge will be directing a movie in front of her spectators. Brrrr.

4) Ads schmads

Sure, I would actually sit through the Super Bowl’s bestiality in order to watch the overhyped TV commercials, some of which posterity will deem memorable and even groundbreaking. Or I can just wait until tomorrow and let a nearly infallible Internet-driven consensus guide me through a fun, idle hour of YouTube surfing. PEPSI WILL NOT MANIPULATE ME.

3) Um, college?

Priorities, you fools! That course packet will not read itself. Your ‘rents are not paying for your education so you can chomp on greasy buttery food and lose all sense of decent conduct.

2) The blind side

Let’s get serious now. You might get a rush out of the brutality of football, watching helmets collide violently against each other while you either cheer or hiss depending on the play’s outcome. While I personally consider this behavior a form of commercial sadism, maybe you should reconsider the consequences of your entertainment. Despite the NFL’s efforts to mitigate these health risks, the fact remains: your excitement should not be worth a man’s future crumbling on the Gridiron.

1) Don’t give a flying frak about any American sport

I mean, I don’t. Do you? Do you, verily? Stop pretending. You should really go take a nap.