Guys at Yale are bad in bed. I know Yale has taught us to discuss issues with nuance and complexity, but I feel really comfortable with this blanket statement: Guys at Yale are bad in bed. Like, really bad. Like, I’d-laugh-if-I-weren’t-crying bad. Like, maybe-I’ll-just-eat-this-sandwich-instead bad.
Before I continue, it’s important to make some clarifications. Because of the limits of my experiences and those of the women I’ve talked to, this applies to straight guys exclusively, and mainly the single ones (as relationships often force men to be better at sex). I will also allow for maybe 20 to 30 guys at Yale who are mediocre, and maybe a handful who are skilled.
A big part of the problem is Yale’s hookup culture. Now, the only time I think it’s useful to lament or even talk about Yale’s “hookup culture” is when it comes to the pervasiveness of terrible sex. Fact: Hookups simply aren’t conducive to mutually pleasurable sex. Neither are Yale men. The remarkable scarcity of nice-looking, not-evil and socially adjusted straight single males (NLNESASSM) is a real issue on Yale’s campus, particularly in light of the abundance of nice-looking, not-evil and socially adjusted straight single females. Guys are rare commodities, and they are all too aware of it. This is why they get away with a lot. I don’t understand the economy, but having read the business section a few times, I have a sense of how supply and demand works. Because the demand for NLNESASSM is so high, the meager supply of NLNESASSM will always be desired, sought after and shamelessly hit on, regardless of their sexual performance or effort. Thus there is no incentive for them to improve, particularly when the whole experience will be over in a few hours and they’re not trying to date the girl, or even friend her on Facebook. Female pleasure is pushed aside. Besides, if a guy can continually get with girls without making them orgasm, why would he try? Especially when he’s tired and drunk, or the girl is faking because Durfee’s closes in 15 minutes and she wants one of those hummus-pretzel containers. Take note, females: faking further exacerbates the problem by causing men to wildly overestimate their abilities.
I must note that there are men, however few, who legitimately try to satisfy their ladyfolk. But trying is not always enough. Just because it’s cute and charitable that you put in the half-hearted effort to blow me — everyone knows that vaginas are weird and disgusting, while penises are majestic and delicious — does not mean it will feel good, or even bearable. Yet unfortunately, in real time, I probably won’t have the balls to tell you I hate it. Which is part of the problem.
This brings me to communication. Hookup culture has resulted in a lack of communication on both sides, and this only perpetuates bad sex. Girls are scared to say what they want — if they even know what they want, which would help if they had a vibrator — and guys are scared to ask what girls want and sometimes even to listen. Because in the context of a short-lived romp, both parties already have low expectations: the guy is thrilled to put his penis in a real-live naked girl, and the girl is thrilled simply to have found a NLNESASSM, who, as the acronym dictates, is sort of attractive, nice, and socially competent.
How do we deal with this problem? To start, men need to be held accountable. I know that American masculinity is fragile. I know that sometimes it’s hard for men to take feedback or criticism when it comes to their sexual prowess, or anything. But get it together. This, for example, is unacceptable: One of my girl friends was hooking up with a guy and decided to slowly turn on her side for some good-old fashioned spooning sex. The guy was so confused and taken aback by her initiative that he lost his erection and couldn’t precede forward. Now imagine what happens when women vocally communicate what they want. Yale men — and I imagine most college-aged men — are just too fragile to handle it.
Also, I encourage guys to start thinking less of their abilities and to stop doing weird shit. For example, a close friend was making out with this guy who pinched her really hard in the stomach. She said, “Ow!” and he said, “Shhhh, you’ll like this.” Then he proceeded to do a lot of strange things with his finger in her ear, and she was revolted, though stayed largely silent.
Yale women too often perpetuate the problem by not standing up for what makes their vaginas happy — by faking orgasms, by silently tolerating atrocious oral sex, and, perhaps the most rampant offense (which I practically invented), by seeking and continuing to have unsatisfying sexual relations with NLNESASSM. (A friend of mine had terrible sex with a guy for months because the cuddling was so good). And as a result, NLNESASSM consider themselves to be much more sexually competent than they actually are, which is entirely unhelpful and probably led to little Bush’s failed presidency.
I urge women to start Saying No to Awful Sex (Thank You!), or SNASTY. SNASTY is the only way to improve Yale’s sexual climate and female sexual pleasure. Sex is not something that should be tolerated, endured, or, in the case of menfolk, taken for granted. I’m not trying to say that God wants you to stop fucking around. What I am trying to say is — and I think He would agree — that no sex is better than bad sex. Let’s be discerning. Let’s send a clear message to men who suck at sex that we’re SNASTY, and they’re going to have to work a little harder.