The author wishes to note that his column is satire, and does not reflect his views.

According to a recent article in The Atlantic, 20 percent of college students are having 80 percent of the sex on campus. This astonishing figure confirms the sexual inequality that exists in today’s society. How is it fair that the top 20 percent have, on average, 16 times more sex than the bottom 80 percent? In a country that prides itself on equality, it appears we’ve lost our way.

I’m here to give the 80 percent a voice. As the 80 percent, we should stand up for ourselves and demand sexual equality. It doesn’t make sense that, even in today’s progressive world, only a few people are having the lion’s share of sex. Despite this uneven distribution, the current administration has made no attempt to step in and create change. To date, there have been no laws established to regulate our sex lives. This is likely because government officials have been known to benefit from the promiscuous sexual practices of the 20 percent. We need to take the sex out of corrupt, oversexed politicians and put it back in the hands of the people.

In addition, if you’re not already outraged by the amount of sex that the 20 percent have, you should be upset by recent reports that irresponsible sexual practices on campus have been allegedly forgiven and covered up. Those who engage in sexual harassment are bailed out — or not even prosecuted — by those in power, whereas the rest of us who struggle on our own aren’t receiving any handouts.

Of course, I recognize that this is a complex issue. There are no easy solutions, and I wouldn’t dream of suggesting one. However, I am sure that if we all get together and protest in the streets, the problem will get fixed. We just have to shout loudly enough and create some noise — maybe with some drums. Eventually, the administration will be compelled to put sexual regulations in place, and everyone will have a roughly equal amount of sex.

One day, we might even see private sex abolished. Because the private nature of sex is the reason why the few can benefit while the rest languish, abolishing private sex will be a huge step in creating sexual equality. Indeed, communal sex allows everyone to share the wealth, and can be beneficial to the disadvantaged. Communal sex is already popular with many of our European counterparts, and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t work in the United States.

We should also ask the government to implement policies to help the sexually deprived. Currently, it is illegal to find sex through nontraditional means. Brothels have been outlawed, despite their proven ability to benefit those who lack sex, and this form of sexual welfare should be legalized.

In any case, Toad’s has become a symbol of the promiscuous and irresponsible sexual practices plaguing our campus; many of the privileged few earn their sex at Toad’s. The sexual transactions taking place here show a remarkable lack of risk management, and it is here that sexual disparity is at its greatest. Like a modern-day Dickensian London, the area surrounding Toad’s is the part of campus where people are having the least amount of sex: the Hall of Graduate Studies.

Join me in protest. Let us stand in front of Toad’s, hold signs and proudly proclaim that we are part of the 80 percent. I can only hope that a significant portion of us is willing to wear this badge of pride.

I know participating means you’ll be spending less time having sex or procuring sex. And I know having your name associated with this movement means that you’ll be less attractive to future providers of sex. Yet we must be heard. Our cause must be known.

Occupy Toad’s.

Philip Hu is a senior in Saybrook College. Contact him at