We are not at all qualified to talk about football — surprise! One of us is an international student; the other’s a girl. Combined, we have attended a total of eight tailgates and half the number of football games in our nearly four years at Yale. Both of us know a touchdown happens when you aggressively throw the ball against the ground past the last line on the field, duh, but only one can tell you how many “downs” there are before a turnover.

“What’s a turnover?” the other would ask.

We can’t tell you about the odds of a Yale victory this weekend, or how the rules of tailgating have changed over time. We can’t measure in yards; we have never seen Handsome Dan. We can’t name a football player (if Patrick Witt ’12 doesn’t count).

But we are not totally inept — just wait for it!

Tonight, thousands of Yalies and Cantabs and Yaliens and Cantabiens will descend upon campus, squeezing into residential college common rooms, crashing on extra couches and blowing up lumpy air mattresses to make it through the weekend. Our apartment (a two-bedroom starter home a stone’s throw from Alpha Delta) will hold seven.

We’ll have a Harvard junior that italicizes book titles when writing by hand, a blonde friend from Princeton, a recent Yale grad and his too-cool roommate from the City. A best friend from childhood is also stopping by, just to take in the spectacle. She’s an artist.

For them (and for you (but mainly for them)) we have compiled a list of things guests shouldn’t do — faux pas, Don’ts, no-nos, Never Should You Evers.

Because the only Game Weekend Do is “make breakfast for your hosts.”

No-no No. One:

Not being OK sleeping on the couch: Mmm. Mmm, mm, mm. Who are you, again? Or, where do you think you are? Having you here has been a treat, really. A treat, like the bottles of wine you’ve been drinking behind our backs. (The pinot. We know.) It’s not like you can’t complain about the couches — please do! It’s fun conversation: “OMG Gabriel your couch sucks ballz!” Do it on Twitter: @theycallmeLMo eww your slip cover is #gross! yfrog.com/7748. Unlock the “Best Guest” badge on foursquare; upload a cool animation of yourself/fellow sleepoverers resting uncomfortably on the couch to your Vimeo account (that one’s for the artist friend). Just don’t act like “it’s fine” and you can “make the effort.” Nobody wants to hear: “Oh, don’t worry about it, the couch looks great! I don’t need much.” Be grateful and appreciative. Smile a lot! Touch a potato! Look at a bagel! And bring a gift; otherwise, it’s just rude.

Second Don’t:

Bringing someone back to aforementioned couch (this one should be pretty basic): Thanks for visiting us, friends! What? Yeah, you’re visiting us — not that hottie in the plaid you picked up at the heavyweight crew house. (A crew guy wearing plaid — cue slow clap.) Wait. How did you even get to the heavyweight crew house? We don’t know anyone there. Are they having a party tonight? Whatever! Can you say “Glitteratti?” We also have Travel Scrabble, Bananagrams and Boggle. And just about the best pizza in the country. Be a good guest: Keep your canoodling to the streets and the randos out of our apartment.

Thing To Avoid Number Three:

Ditching us for someone else: First, let us clarify that we are all about freedom here at The Lynwood. We think it’s cool if you make new friends. It’s also cool if you made new friends the last time you came to visit and all you’re asking is to see them again. It’s even cool to hang out with them without us. “What if I want to sleep with them?” you, awful visitor, might ask. “Then adhere to the filthiest meaning of the verb and have sex with whomever you want, but spend the night with us,” we might say in response. No guest is allowed to sleep anywhere else, period. We may also add a thing or two about coasters, just in case. Something along the lines of: “Everything is dark wood, are you dumb?” Freedom: It’s tough.

Fourth Faux Pas:

Rooting for Harvard: No, I’m not wearing magenta. No, I’m not sitting on Harvard’s side. Don’t make me wear that scarf — why do you have a Harvard scarf? Talk to the hand for a second. … Oh, hi. Hey, what’s up. Yes, we are at Yale, and that’s precisely why we are not doing anything Harvard. Sure, up to now we were debating going to the actual game at all, but there’s no way I’m crossing the fire line (again: One of us is an international student). Also, Princeton doesn’t matter.