Despite being a genius writer, earning such prestigious accolades as “decent” and “could be OK if she’d stop using the same word eight times in one paragraph,” I’ve managed to learn a few things about “the craft” this semester. Although I hate to admit that anyone besides me has any knowledge on any topic, I concede that both my professors and – sigh – my peers have taught me good stuff.
- It’s OK to make fun of people in your writing as long as you make fun of yourself, too. Bonus points if you make fun of yourself for acting like a pretentious Ivy Leaguedouchebag.
- Tendency towards procrastination does not have an entry in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. I will, supposedly, grow out of it someday.
- You can’t just write an essay that says it was really cold outside the other day. No one cares.
- Repeating the word “cool” fifteen times in a 1,000-word essay is not funny or ironic.
- Transitions usually sound stupid.
- Journalists have a lot of cool slang that doesn’t make sense, like “TK,” which means “to come,” and “deadline,” which means “time when you become inexplicably very sick.”
- Don’t go to graduate school if you want to be a good writer. All right, fine, quittwisting my arm.
- Canadian people add “…right?” to the end of their sentences to make you agree with them. Don’t trust this.
- That edgy, creative device you use when you’re like “I’m going to delete this conjunction from this series! I’m so alternative!” is called an “asyndeton.”
- Never use a colon in a title, unless you want to sound like a pretentious Ivy League douchebag.