It’s that time of year. When you can dress up as whatever and not (really) be judged. We’ve seen it all: the funny, the classy, the downright dumb. If Salvo ran out of that cape you wanted, never fear. This (almost) Hallow’s Eve, we asked Yale’s funniest people to give us some last minute inspiration.
THE SEXY OCTOPUS
As “Mean Girls” so aptly describes, everyone and their grandma tries to be sexy on Halloween. It seems like if you can think of a costume, there is a trampy version of it. Disney princess, nuns, pumpkins — all have been tainted by sex. Well, what if you want to be an original skank? Then, the slutty octopus is the right costume for you!
To make this happen, you will need nine people. Yes, nine. You will also need a lot of paper maché and paint. Model the octopus after the “Love Actually” octopus in the nativity scene. If you haven’t seen “Love Actually,” rent it immediately, watch it, gawk as to why you’ve never seen this brilliant piece of cinema before, and continue. The person that dons the body of the octopus suit should be a leggy lad/lady with excellent, colored pumps. Each tentacle should be very long and detachable. At the end of each arm should be a person in a nude body suit with the tentacle attached at a suggestive place. For example: groping the boobs, up the ass, in the mouth, etc. (Good thing it’s Parents’ Weekend!)
On Halloween night, take a load of amusing pictures with the lot of you and label the album “Slutty Octopus.” Everyone will have a riot! Then get drunk, detach and go off into the night to various Halloween parties where people will be much too drunk to care that you are only wearing a nude Speedo with a giant tentacle hanging off your package. It’s the perfect recipe for an epic “I’m a BAMF” nostalgia session.
Have a happy, slutty Halloween!
2011 Halloween costume idea: a mask of myself on my face, so people will think I am not myself but someone pretending to be me. This idea is the product of legendary theorist and renowned crackpot Slavoj Zizek, and it is the most inspired Halloween costume idea since “Sexy Slut.” The advantages are clearly infinite. You will already be in perfect character. You can ask probing questions to others about what they actually think of you. Sample interaction: “Hey, look I’m dressed up as Devin, is he a doofus or what?” ‘Friend’: “Haha, yeah, what a dingbat!” A great way to narrow down an over-large social circle. There are two basic options for constructing this costume. Option 1: Take a mask and make it look like your face. Option 2: Take your face and make it look like a mask. Option 2, although probably more convincing, will also likely be more awesome. Use with caution. And consider the trickle-down effect: people who see you in real life later will think you’re more important because they saw someone who took the time to dress up as you, and imitation is the highest form of flattery. In sum, what are you waiting for? Get out there and be you.
THE WARD 1 ALDERMAN
The costume for this year is obviously a Ward 1 alderman. It’s an easy look to pull together: just a T-shirt with your name in a patriotic font and a handful of corresponding flyers. Once in costume however, you have to sell it by badgering everyone you meet about your campaign. Make sure to have a long list of platitudes about democracy and how you are down with the people even though most of your donations came from your affluent family. When you are having legitimate conversations with people, the costume will be even more effective if you gradually slip into presidential candidate speech mode. And boy, will your efforts help you out in the romantic arena! (The ladies love a winner.)
This Halloween, all the experts agree, dress as a duck. It’s the one costume that absolutely cannot go wrong (see: Prince Harry, circa 2005). Everyone loves ducks, you see: they’re friendly, non-threatening and delicious. You have a lot of room for improvisation here. There are yellow ducks and white ducks. There are mallard ducks and wood ducks. Once you’ve picked the kind of duck you like the most, you’re in for a great night. Think of all the fun you can have. You can pretend to lay eggs, you can confuse real ducks, and best of all, you can say the word “duck!” to describe your costume, but people will think you’re encouraging them to duck, themselves. I’m sure a lot of silly fun will result.
This Halloween season, occupying is in. For your feet, try sockupying Wall Street. And if you’re mixing up some spooky cocktails, be sure to wear your smockupy Wall Street.
When it comes to costumes, try heading out to Zuccotti Park or the New Haven Green dressed as “the 1 percent.” Just walk out there with your Moleskine, duck boots and earnest questions. That’ll do the trick.
Now, some of you might want to try going as “the 99 percent.” That’s a bit harder. You can’t use your corporate-made iPod or wear your synthetic clothes or eat your Goldman Sachs hamburgers. Tough. So instead, dress up as “the 99th percentile,” which is close enough. Just get naked, cover yourself in glue, and roll around in your SAT scores.
THE NUDIE SUIT
Two words: nudie suit. Before you judge, hear me out. A nudie suit offers so many possibilities. There’s the classic route: naked person. Personally I don’t recommend that route because, frankly, it’s uncreative. But you have oh-so-many other options with a nudie suit. Put on a hat and be a naked person wearing a hat. Put on a scarf and be a naked person wearing a scarf, a costume that would also double as a naked hipster, because wearing a scarf while wearing nothing else is totally ironic.
My costume last year fell in the realm of potential nudie suit costumes. I dressed as a flasher, but I went the literal rather than the nudie suit route, the punny rather than the pervy. Underneath my trenchcoat I wore not a nudie suit but very large strobe light. Oh, and clothes. I promise I wore clothes. At least for most of the night. Just kidding. I wore clothes for all of the night. You all don’t know me that well enough for me to make that joke, I guess. Awkward.