Yale Dining sent out a campus-wide email yesterday asking students what their perfect meal would be. With so many wonderful options, how on Earth could a humble, aspiring young chef like myself ever pick a perfect meal?

Well I took the survey, and the survey won. The choices were terrible. Just terrible. But I had to make choices anyway. Here’s how I voted.

Let’s start with the Chicken/Fish options. First off, there was zero tofu to choose from on this list. Where is my General Tso’s Tofu? That was my favorite chicken dish at this school…instead they offer us hand-breaded chicken tenders? Disgusting. Did you know they hand-bread the chickens while they’re still alive? Despicable, Yale Dining.

Beef/Pork: My Mother’s Brisket

I have no idea how they got in touch with my mom. There’s actually probably a huge invasion of privacy going on here, with Yale Dining stealing my mom’s family’s super-secret brisket recipe, but either way, I couldn’t be happier. It’s delicious. I love you, Mom.

Vegan/Vegetarian: Finally! Some real choices! I wasn’t sure to go with the portobello fajitas or the tofu curry, but the “Tofu Tomato and Jalapeno Dish” really sparked my fancy. In general, I was just happy to see so many options for this one. It’s time that the silent 1.3 percent finally get noticed. One in seven meals is not enough. Let’s make Yale go full-on vegan! Bring on Meatless Mondays!

Soups: Chowder, tomato. Whatever, it’s not soup season yet. Speaking of bowls though, what the hell happened to the Reese’s Puffs I was promised?

Sides: Garlic bread? Mashed potatoes? French fries? If I wanted to gain the freshman 15 all over again, I would’ve saved myself the trip to the dining hall and ordered a wenzel.

Desserts: I chose Bread Pudding. Ha. You thought I was going to say Tofu Apple Crisp, didn’t you? I would never choose Tofu Apple Crisp. No way. That shit’s gross.

Tapley Stephenson is a Le Cordon Bleu accredited chef who once started a fire by microwaving popcorn.