This week, the ladies discuss a Stiff Question of a rather personal nature: whether or not to relieve oneself in front of others. To accompany what might be an uncomfortable debate, the ladies have selected a classic and breezy cocktail, the Stiff Gin and Tonic. Using the recipe card below, you too can enjoy this concoction as lubrication for your own difficult conversations.
Miss Jeanne Dist, Miss Goldie Schauers and Miss Fula Blatter are the contributors for this week’s column.
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Ms. D: First I’d like to clarify the grounds of the conversation. There’s peeing in front of friends, and then there’s peeing in front of lovers, and those are two different subjects.
Ms. S: And family members.
Ms. B: And strangers.
Ms. D: Okay. Let’s talk about friendship. I find it a moving sign of friendship when someone feels comfortable enough to urinate in front of you.
Ms. B: Especially when they don’t preface it.
Ms. S: Also because their pee is moving, literally.
Ms. D: It can show you that you’re THAT comfortable with someone … or that drunk.
Ms. S: You actually like it when other people pee in front of you?
Ms. D: Yes, though I must admit it’s a different game with guys.
Ms. B: I don’t mean to interrupt your flow but … how close would you let someone pee next to you?
Ms. D: A fortieth of a furlong.
Ms. B: I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a tenth of a furlong! I’m just generally uncomfortable with it. How do I tell people to stop?
Ms. D: You just can’t do that. You know how difficult it is to stop in mid-stream.
Ms. S: But there’s a smell, there’s heat, there’s …
Ms. D: Not if it’s fresh!!!
Ms. B: Would you like me to freshen up your drink?
Ms. S: What if they’ve just eaten asparagus?
Ms. B: That obviously throws a wrench into things. So with that in mind, Miss Dist, would you feel as close to someone peeing next to you if they’d just eaten asparagus?
Ms. S: Or if they’d exclusively eaten asparagus for the past four years?
Ms. D: As a person genetically blessed with the ability to smell asparagus piss, it might gross me out, but I wouldn’t make a scene of it.
Ms. S: So you would rather have someone who you’re close with who’s just had asparagus pee in front of you … than not pee in front of you at all?
Ms. D: To be clear, it’s not that every time I run into someone on Cross Campus I’m like, “Shit! I wish you were urinating right now!” but I still think of it as a sign of affection.
Ms. S: So, relationships.
Ms. D: The same rule applies. Any kind of excretion in front of someone implies a level of comfort with that person. How can you say no to that in a relationship?
Ms. B: I tend to agree with Miss Dist. Especially in relationships where it’s already so much about becoming close bodily, it seems like a meaningful step.
Ms. S: I suppose this is true with someone you really love. But if you’re in a budding relationship, and if you aren’t sure how attractive you find the person to be … seeing them pee could ruin EVERYTHING!
Ms. B: In a romantic relationship, would you call crossing The Pee Boundary an “Aha” moment … or a “watershed” one, if you will?
Ms. D: Yes, for any relationship.
Ms. S: I guess I’m still waiting for the one.
Ms. B: So our parting advice for this week is:
Ms. D: Wipe front to back!
Ms. S: Ask whomever you’re going to take with you to the bathroom if they’re comfortable with you urinating in front of them. Also, pee downhill.
Ms. B: If you see a mass of people all peeing on each other, run the other away.
Ms. S: Don’t befriend people who eat asparagus.
Ms. D: Unless you can’t smell it.
Ms. B: In which case you should be my friend, because I eat asparagus.
You can look forward to Stiff Questions next week with a new and similarly scintillating topic of conversation.