So you’re at Toad’s and some blithering idiot starts to hang from a pipe, breaking it. Soon there’s water gushing down, and your body is now soaking wet EVERYWHERE. Where to go now? Obvi, back to your suite or back to your powerless off-campus dirthouse.
Now, what’s that you’re saying? You want MOAR? All moist and raring to keep going, you want to grind till you rub a hole on your pants, or at least until the SWAT team comes. Okay, okay; here’s the thing — New Haven is much more than penny drinks and people licking your face at foam parties. Places where a film of beer/[unmentionable bodily fluids] do not cover the ground you walk on, where you can drink actual cocktails and pretend to be a grown-up.
Wait, you’re under 21? NVM; there’s always that fake from Eureka, California! (LOLLERSKATEZ) You think you’re a real person who can tell the difference between a Long Island Iced Tea and a gimlet? (ROFLSAUCE) Purple drank is probably the most creative mixed beverage you’ve had at Yale. (That and a shot of Pimm’s with lemon juice.)
In any case! Three (mostly) brand-spanking new hot spots have sprouted over the summer: a Crown Street creepy club replacing an even creepier one, a relocated New Haven staple, and a Prime 16 upgrade with more seating space.
Granted, you can eat at two of these haunts, but food is for underclassmen. The new locales are training grounds for the outgoing Yalie, where all you pseudoadults can learn how to outdrink the occasional i-banking douchebag, add awe-some terms to your life glossary like “happy hour,” “deadbeat” and “cirrhosis,” or cry with the bartender to the tunes of Fleetwood Mac and TLC.
Who cares about the future when “Landslide” is playing and your margarita tastes sO gOod?!
Benefit from these places before they fall from grace. Eat a matzo ball! Practice your L2 Spanish! Meet a gold digger! There’s a world of possibilities beyond chugging Keystone cans within plush ivory towers.
Remember, though: this isn’t just a party college, but you’re well on your way to be living in an expanding party city (drizzle some extra ROFLSAUCE on that line). At this rate, who knows?
And be sure to check out the next best thing in New Haven nightlife: Ramona. This place will have everything — whiskey fountains, coconut bras, salmonella and human bunkbeds. You know, that thing where half-naked butt doubles are stacked on each other with mattresses on their backs.
Stefon would be proud.