WEEKEND needed an extra view to fill this page, so its editors called me to write about something. I have no topics to discuss, because I’m not that interesting a human being. So let me talk about someone I find considerably more interesting: Pato.
Apparently, Pato is a wannabe rapper. Pato is a blend of polo and basketball, and has been the official sport of Argentina since 1953. “Pato” is also Spanish for “duck.” I’ve known the last definition of pato for a while, but I learned the other two yesterday. I discovered the first definition yesterday morning, after we got that oddly dramatic email from the Spring Fling Committee. (I learned the second because I needed to see whether there were any other definitions for the word. I just couldn’t believe a rapper would name himself after a duck.)
Halfway through a video whose link appeared in the email, the text “And Special Guest” appeared. I was excited. I thought that maybe there would be some super-awesome Girl Talk- or The Roots-esque artist who would headline the show. Then a car and some guy who looks like a fat, mustachioed Usher appeared on screen.
“Who IS that?” asked a friend sitting next to me, a former president of Theta. Another friend nearby, a burly male basketball player, also had no idea. Being the one with no life, I knew instantly. I Googled “Friday.”
Obviously, some of you are really confused. How the hell did my two friends not hear about this YouTube song? Well, they are just really cool. But for a bajillion other people (including some of you), it’s famous. Case in point, the video has over 100 million views on YouTube. To me, and, as another friend puts it, “to the entire Internet,” this is the second-worst song ever created. (The worst is “My Jeans,” by 12-year-old Jenna Rose. By the way, Rebecca Black is 13.) As the song continued, the basketball player started to dance.
This is problematic. People should not be dancing to “Friday.” And Pato, the guy who appears in the song, should not be rapping. That’s not his job. His real name is Patrice Wilson, and he is the founder of the Los Angeles-based ARK Music Factory. He was raised in Africa and, apparently, attended a European medical school. He convinces parents to pay $2,000 to $4,000 to have their kids in music videos.
“I remember writing ‘Friday,’” Wilson told the Los Angeles Times. “It was on a Thursday night, but I finished it on Friday morning.”
Black’s parents paid $2,000. Mr. and Mrs. Black, you are not Will and Jada. And whom you paid is not a songwriting genius. He should not be getting an hourly wage in the hundreds.
I’m bored with this view, so let me talk about Alejandro, this Costa Rican guy whom a current managing editor for the News found on a beach in Costa Rica. The guy apparently was a bum, but the editor (who I’ll leave anonymous except to say that his feet remind me of durian) thought he was a cool guy. So the editor brought Alejandro to a Costa Rican mansion he was renting for spring break. I was in Costa Rica with the editor, and to me, Alejandro looked like a 20-year-old Elian Gonzales. He brought with him a Styrofoam cooler. He hung out in the house, while mutual friends on the spring break trip tried to call the police. Eventually, Alejandro left, but not before he stole a few beers. It’s around then that “Friday” got big on YouTube. Alejandro came over on Thursday night and left Friday morning. I blame Pato for my pain.