Too often, when I tell people that I go to Yale, they say something like “Oh, you don’t mind New Haven?” or “That’s too bad you have to be in New Haven” or “I hear New Haven just had an outbreak of plague” or “All of New Haven is literally on fire, right now.”

To this I say, “Sure, New Haven might not be the best place ever. But it should definitely at least be in your top two-hundred places ever, because New Haven has got some fabulous pizza options.”

So without further ado, here’s a look at New Haven’s pizza options and some thoughts about them.

BAR – At the risk of exaggeration, BAR is the most amazing thing ever. Hands down the best restaurant in the world, it brews its own array of excellent and affordable beers. Not only that, they don’t have so much beer that the choice becomes overwhelming, like at Prime 16. And the pizza is consistently orgasm-inducing. With great ingredients and an extensive list of available toppings, you won’t be sorry. Unless you pick mashed potatoes, in which case I will fight you.

A-1 Pizza – Not so much a pizzeria as a place for Toads patrons to come in from the cold, it’s still got some of the best late-night drunk fare around. Selling affordable pizza by the slice, it’s the perfect thing to take the edge off before you go vomit all over the J. Crew façade.

Est Est Est – With reliably good pizza, the only real complaint about this place is that it confusingly sounds like the building where you had your “Civil War” lecture.

Mamoun’s Falafel – Not technically a pizza restaurant, but anywhere that offers a falafel sandwich this good for under $3 is going on this list.

Sally’s – An excellent and famous pizzeria that, due to its long lines and obscure location, no one has ever eaten at.

Pepe’s – (See Sally’s)

Modern Pizza – With its delicious pizza and decidedly current name, Modern Pizza is just the place for people who want their diet to complement their new iPad.

Yorkside – Though the pizza here is terrible, Yorkside remains highly profitable due to student extracurricular groups collectively forgetting that other restaurants exist.

Alpha Delta – Named after Socrates’ middle and last names, it’s the home of the Wenzel. The pizza is pretty good too, but highly improved if topped with Wenzels.

There you have it. The most scientific examination and classification of New Haven’s pizza options yet. Make sure you read my next post, in which I decide once and for all which burrito cart reigns supreme.