RCP: Oh HEY, Cristina! Come over here! Cross this icy puddle of death to say hi to me! We’re friends, remember?

Cristina: [hesitantgreeting] [awkwardsmile]

RCP: It’s so weird that we haven’t talked since our freshman orientation program. Why not catch up now? So, Xtina, how was your scene? Oh shit, sorry, I mean WEEKEND? How was your WKND? Did you do anything fun?

Cristina: [mumble]

RCP: Wow. No way, you baked banana bread and cried in a cubbyhole? Funny you say that, cuz I was just staffing the Model UN conference and we talked all about American colonialism in the banana republics. CRAZY COINCIDENCE. We also talked about cubbyholes. You know, where you put your folders in elementary school?

Cristina: [mumblemumble]

RCP: Hey, Cristina, did you know I was just born this confident? Destined for greatness, they say. Funny, huh? How was your week?

Cristina: [meeknessembodied]

RCP: Listen, I’m really sorry to hear you turned in your schedule at 5:01 last Friday and got fined 50 bucks. I’m sure your hardworking immigrant parents left their Latin American homeland for just this sort of mediocrity.

Cristina: [mumble] [excuse] [tearswelling]

RCP: No, seriously, that sucks. But, I mean, let’s be honest, despite what your phone’s clock said, Rhonda’s computer’s clock DID say 5:01. Even though you ran from Rosenkranz Hall, in the great scheme of things, we must uphold these meaningless rules rigidly. Egyptians are protesting to overthrow a tyrant and Sudan is navigating newfound independence, but ultimately, her computer clock clearly said 5:01. These are the blessings of free and fair democracy. But, anywho, you got any plans for next year?

Cristina: [eyes-dart] [pulse-quickens] [palms-clam] [meepmeepmeep]

RCP: Oh, wow, well I’m sure your parents and your pug Bella will be glad to have you back home. I hear Milwaukee has two big buildings and lots of weather patterns. Just lovely, they say.

Cristina: [inquisitivemurmur]??

RCP: Oh me? Well, King Abdullah the Second of Jordan asked me to oversee his sustainable energy policy and I got a position at The New York Times as their Buenos Aires correspondent. But, I’m probably just gonna Teach for Google Boston Fulbright Consulting.

Cristina: [wordsofcongratulations] [feelingsofangst]

RCP: Hey, listen! Great chat. I mean it when I say that it’s great that you feel comfortable being so underwhelming as of late. That’s what I’ve always liked about you. You’re terribly underwhelming. Let’s get coffee some time. Or maybe I can just send you a bullet-pointed GoogleDoc of the ways that I’ve succeeded at life, where you’ve failed and we can read over it together. It’s always nice seeing you. I’m late to my meeting with Ron Paul, Shakira and Kurt Schneider. We’re working on a vid together. Watch for it on the Tube. Peace out, Cristina.