Dear Mangy Mark,

The other day my bike got stolen, which sucks because I used to ride it everywhere — to the library, to G-Heav, and, most importantly, to my 9 a.m. Orgo lecture up Science Hill. Now, I have a really hard time getting up there in time, and I always arrive both late and sweaty from running so hard. My parents won’t let me get another bike, because they say it’ll just get stolen again. What should I do?

—Bikeless in Branford

Dear Bikeless,

Have you checked out Yale’s complimentary shuttle service? It starts running at 7:20 a.m. and continues till 6 p.m., and all three routes go up Science Hill. They’ve also got this sweet online map where you can see exactly where the shuttles are in real time. So you don’t even have to wait!

Or, you could send me an e-mail describing your bike and exactly where it was stolen, and I can get in touch with my buddy Brian, who’s sort of a go-to guy for this kind of thing. He’s really good at tracking things down (like people that owe you rent and stuff). If he finds your bike, though, we’re gonna have to get it back. Do you have any large friends? Let me know. We’ll have to get a car, so we can just drive up and grab it and then drive away really fast. It’ll have to have a big trunk so the bike will fit. And maybe bulletproof glass and, like, flamethrowers in the headlights…. Actually, you know, me and Brian can probably take care of this. I’ll give you a call in the next couple days when we have your bike back.

—Mangy Mark

Dear Mangy Mark,

Lately, things have been tense between my girlfriend, Emma, and me. She does a lot of theater, but she feels like I’m not supportive enough of her interests. Just last week, for example, she told me that if I really loved her, I’d explain to her whether the linguistic relationship between Nora and Torvald in Ibsen’s A Doll’s House was more closely aligned with Wittgenstein’s theory of the “Language Game” or J.L. Austin’s “Performative Utterance” paradigm. I told her that I would do anything for her, but that I have too many other things on my plate this week to be able to answer her question as thoughtfully as she deserves. I asked her for an extension, but she said no, and that I had to give her an answer in no fewer than 1,500 words by Friday at noon or else she and I are finished for good. Like I said, I’m crazy about her — I just don’t want to say the wrong thing, because it might really hurt her feelings. What should I say? If you could send me a response by Thursday night so that I can proofread it and add footnotes before giving it to her, that’d be great.

—Heartsick But Hopeful

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Dear Heartsick,

Maybe you can find a way to date Emma Credit/D/Fail?

—Mangy Mark