Girls, please. Let’s all just take a deep breath and take a few steps back before we get all riled up. I mean, do we really think Yale sometimes cultivates a sexually threatening atmosphere towards women? Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? Yes, some DKE brothers shouted some playful chants about rape on Old Campus recently. Yes, last year an e-mail was widely circulated detailing which girls in the freshman class were most desirable to sleep with. Yes, members of a certain fraternity were once seen in startlingly close proximity to a sign declaring “We Love Yale Sluts.” Outside the Women’s Center.

Coincidence, ladies. Coincidence!

Listen, I honestly believe that each of these examples can be adequately explained without jumping to the conclusion that the men involved have no respect for women whatsoever.

Take the recent DKE example. Look, I know it looks bad, a group of fraternity brothers shouting “No means yes! Yes means anal!” outside several dormitories where first-year women are reputed to live. But let’s not take this out of context. For one, the guys were most likely drunk. In that respect, it’s amazing they were able to chant more than four words in succession with any consistency at all. But more importantly, these guys weren’t actually talking about the widespread sexual abuse towards women! I mean, for us to think that, we’d have to jump to the wild conclusion that words have meaning, and that the DKE brothers meant for their words to mean the things they actually mean.

That’s just crazy.

Or maybe by “anal,” the DKE guys meant “obsessively organized and neat,” and they were just asking for women for help getting their house in order; after all they’re much better at those things than men! Did we ever think of that? Of course not.

As for the so-called “pre-season scouting report,” in which freshman girls were ranked based on several uncouth sexual criteria without their knowledge or consent, all we’ve seen is more overreaction from Yale’s uppity female community. Sheesh! First of all, the guys who wrote that e-mail didn’t intend for any girls to see it in the first place, okay? So it’s not really even fair to criticize them for it. But the bigger issue is this: a “pre-season scouting report” is a great idea! Listen, girls, you need to understand where these guys are coming from. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to go out on the dance floor, start dancing with a girl, and then have her leave abruptly because “you’re being creepy, get away from me or I’m calling the police”?

Let me tell you, the guys who wrote that e-mail know. So it’s only natural that they’d want to pool their resources to maximize their potential for sexual success. And if doing that means compiling a list that treats women as sexual objects, then more power to them.

Am I right?

Maybe a better way to look at the “pre-season scouting report” is this: it’s an example of the best idea that certain men at Yale have had so far. Think about it. It’s a group of men. They want women. How do they get women? They don’t know. The scouting report was a shot in the dark. And now a bunch of feminist harpies are raining down on them with accusations of sexual harassment? Leave the poor guys alone.

Finally we get to the Zeta Psi “We Love Yale Sluts” sign. I wouldn’t worry too much about that, as it’s questionable whether any of the brothers involved actually knew how to read.

In conclusion, I’d like to reiterate my message to Yale’s women: chill out. Just because we average a campus-wide threat to women’s sexual freedom and security every year or so is no reason to freak. And here’s my ultimate proof: if anything truly dangerous were going on, wouldn’t Yale’s administration take some kind of disciplinary action?

I rest my case.

River Clegg is a senior in Davenport College.