1. Buy a college-themed snuggie from the Master’s Office and bond with it. Mine has a pocket on the front; the pocket is very convenient for storing Cheez-its while snacking in bed.
2. Download the past four episodes of Be Good Johnny Weir from thepiratebay.org and watch them in bed while eating Cheez-its from your convenient snuggie pocket. The more time you spend imitating the Russian accent of Johnny’s figure skating coach, the more your roommates will want to hang out with you.
3. Clean the common room.
4. Halfway through cleaning the common room, find that old People Magazine from three months ago with Jon and Kate on the cover, plus a half-eaten bag of microwave popcorn. Become slightly distracted. For two hours.
5. Go to brush your teeth, only to discover that the party from across the hall has invaded your bathroom. Mark your territory by telling the drunk guy in line that he can pee in the shower or out the window but you WILL use the toilet first. When he backs down, feel a sense of accomplishment that none of your grades have given you for the past year.
6. On the way back to your room, step in drunk peeing dude’s puke.
7. Get out the textbook you have to read for the midterm on Monday, also known as “the reason you decided to be productive instead of going out this weekend.” Open the textbook, then realize SNL is on. J.Lo’s guest starring this week! You can’t miss that shit.
8. Warned by a text from your single-and-lovin’-it roommate that says “at toads hot guyyyy cming back can you slepp couch tnighht SEX!!!1!,” turn the lights out in your room and get under the covers. She can’t sexile you if you’re already asleep. At eleven o’clock.
9. Wake up the next morning tangled in your snuggie and covered in Cheez-it crumbs. You totally got her this time.
Attempt to get dressed and go to brunch like a normal person, but discover that the cheap microfleece has bonded to your skin and your snuggie cannot be removed. Give up and have a nutritious in-suite breakfast of microwave popcorn and three-day-old Thai food. Maybe you’ll make it to the dining hall next weekend.