Like many humanities-inclined students, I initially approached the dreaded QR credit with an emotional cocktail of trepidation and humility. Gone were the flights of fancy, the imaginative speculations that we [insert-a-field] Studies majors thrive upon. I was entering the land of cold, immutable numbers. Or so I thought. What changed?
Stealth bombers, that’s what.
The eyebrow-endowed Professor Henrich opened my mind to the wonderful world of genuine invisibility, achievable purely through human innovations. Bright-eyed and bushy tailed, I rushed out of lecture inspired to apply my newfound knowledge to the “real world” just like an honest-to-goodness scientist. The results speak for themselves. I present to you:
“An Analysis of the Invisibility Potential of Species Homo Sapiens Using the Central Tenets of Stealth Aircraft.”
by Sarah Delappe, BS in BS candidate
Let’s start with movement. Don’t. If you must, do so only under the cover of night, and then as per the always-true words of Lil’ Jon, get low. We’re talking below knee-level. Stealth is all about the element of surprise; no one expects you to pop out from below. Why should small people and children have all the fun?
Camouflage. Black is the new black. Ideally, have a friend slather your body with ferrofluidic radar-absorbing paint. Disclaimer: AVOID THIS STEP IF YOU ARE WHITE. (See: “Blackface, Or: What I’ve Learned from Every Af-Am Studies Class Ever”).
Heat. A huge give-away. However, I’m shedding my Sc credit with “Tech World,” not “Anatomy,” so I might not be the expert on body heat self-monitoring. In the spirit of scientific inquiry, I’ll just throw this out there … try not breathing. Yeah. Moving on.
Noise. Fly fast. Really, really fast. Faster than the speed of sound, so you arrive at your location before your asthmatic heaving. Physical activity isn’t your strong suit?
Try diversions. Think throwing loud, jangly things — coins! keys! tambourines! — while army-crawling maniacally through Beineke Plaza clad in ninja blacks. Good. We’re getting somewhere.
Smoke. Easy; just put it out. Hipsters aren’t cut out for blending with the crowd anyway. Unless you can be ironically invisible.
Contrails (Those pretty white puffy things airplanes leave in the sky). Oh. I see. Hey, mister too-cool-for-school, yearning for another superhuman ability beyond the seraphic gift of flight? Not content with possessing my third-most-desired superpower, preceded only by aforementioned invisibility and whatever Midas had but with candy? Asshole. Some people …
Radar. The key to radar evasion is “weirdo shapes” — Professor Henrich, a poet at heart — that scatter the reflected radar waves away from the emitting antenna. So. While crawling, make sure to don the ol’ speed-walking helmet backwards. Google it.
And I thought I would learn nothing useful from my QR course. Well-played, Henrich. I’ll see you around … or will I?