Oh hey there, eligible, winsome Yale lady! I was wondering, what with, you know, Sex Week at Yale and all … Oh, no, no! Not like that! I mean Sex Week in the “interdisciplinary … education program” sense, not the “multi-media rope bondage suspension performance” sense. So anyway, we’ve been in section together for quite a while now, and have many interesting mutual friends … You know that one guy? What a character!
Anyway, again, I recognize that you are, of course, an impressively independent and self-motivated young woman; I am not intimidated. On the contrary, I find your bevy of extracurriculars incredibly sexy. Sure, you’re a busy girl, and you may have little time for anything more than a fleeting makeout (like 50 percent of Yalies last week), round of oral stimulation (31 percent), or Internet orgy (maybe you’re that special one in 20!). But if that’s what you’re in the market for, so be it!
Then again, are you? I’ve been receiving a lot of mixed messages recently. And not of the sexting sort.
I promise that I fully respect and venerate your independence. You are a self-assured and sexually liberated modern woman; in this regard, I am happy to satisfy merely your carnal desires. I promise I’m “fully manscape[d],” or not, if that’s not your style! You looked great at that naked party, by the way — although I know that that’s not the point, since I’m not like all those other guys!
Don’t get me started on those other guys. Unlike them, to me, the Fourth Wave makes a world of sense. Chivalry is sexism; flowers and chocolates are heteronormative, emerging from the same insidious patriarchal hierarchy responsible for suffrage-denial and kitchen-enslavement. We have done away with those tedious and coquettish codes of conduct: How old-fashioned!
That said, if you want me to serenade you below a balcony, mandolin at the ready, I will. Or is that whole “mythology of love” thing going the way of JuicyCampus? I mean, even if it is, I attended that Babeland oral sex tutorial, so I have a great fallback: Craigslist.
Regardless, you’ll be happy to hear that we’re totally on the same ideological page. If you want sex, it’s liberating; if I do, it’s brutish. I’ll hold the door open, but I won’t pay for dinner. After all, you’re a lady! Shoot! Sorry: I mean an individual-with-two-x-chromosomes. I understand that women are allowed to get angrier about double standards than men.
And with regards to categories of attraction, I promise you I’m neither “short” nor “fat,” and as for “conservative”… Well, let’s discuss that after a couple of drinks! No, no, not to get you drunk! Unless, you know, it’s a Toad’s night. What’s that style of “dancing” we do nowadays? The sex-simulating, high-friction, dance-floor-make-out-conducive one? DFMO? — Sounds adorable and affectionate!
I apologize if my tone has seemed somewhat inconsistent. Trust me, I’m not. I assure you that I am nothing short of your ideal man: strong but sensitive, respectful but assertive, romantic but detached, social but not slutty, independent but vulnerable, sexually interested but not too much so. Most importantly, I understand that women and men are totally different, with incommensurable wants and needs.
Of course, we’re also completely the same.
I can check all the boxes on your rigorous rubric. I possess all the complex and contradictory demarcating characteristics necessary to win your heart. I’d make a great extracurricular.
So, baby (not in a condescending way!), please don’t let this GoodCrushYale become a GoodCrushFail. Let’s take a dive into this tangled web of love and lust, this sturm und drang, this cacophony that attaches itself to romance and dating.
The spark? The unimpeded magnetism, mutual attraction and spontaneous romance? Falling naturally into emotional and physical closeness, transcending flaws, adversity and imperfections? Who needs those musty old things! It’s a brave new world out there. We can micromanage, highlight, idealize and educate our way to romantic bliss. Or, at the very least, to a well-informed quickie in the stacks.
Alex Klein is a sophomore in Davenport College.