Sex. You think about it. You might pretend you don’t. You’re afraid of it, curious about it, You MIGHT EVEN HAVE IT SOMETIMES. I am here to dispense sexual advice, which is a job for which I am neither professionally nor academically qualified. However, I did spend a third of my life as a teenage boy, which means I have a wealth of experience thinking about the subject. For what it’s worth.

Dear Professor Sexxx,

I think the “booty text” is a method of communication with a lot of potential, but I’ve never had much success with it. What’s the most effective way to booty text?


Love on the Verizon

Dear Love on the Verizon,

Lil’ Jon once said, in reference to his desire to touch a woman’s behind, “nah, I’m just playin’, unless you say that I can.” This is the sort of sentiment best expressed by a booty text. You want to allow for the recipient of the message to think there’s a chance you’re joking. The text message is a cowardly and passive way to set up a tryst, and so a humorous approach allows the other person (and you) to save face if he or she is not interested. Then again, if the object of your affection is interested, he or she can respond in the affirmative, and you can text back and forth until it’s clear that you’re going to meet up. Try this: “Darn it, the internet is down, I could sure use a good make-out right now.” The recipient might say “good luck with that,” in which case, I wish you good luck with that. Or they might say “haha, me too, am I right?” In that case, the ball is in your court. You just have to hit it back.

Dear Professor Sexxx,

My girlfriend is way less experienced in bed than I am. I don’t know how quickly our relationship should progress sexually. She’s not great at communicating what she wants in bed, though I ask her to, so that isn’t helpful.


Pillow Talker

Dear Pillow Talker,

Sometimes it can be difficult for people to proactively communicate what they’d like sexually, even though communication is an important part of healthy sexual relationships. This means that, at least to start with, you might have to do some of the work for her. Instead of relying on her to express what she wants, you can check in along the way to see if she’s enjoying your shared experiences. If your relationship is still young, she might not be comfortable telling you that you’re doing things wrong, but you can at least, in this way, find out when you’re doing things right. Try to read her body language, and if you feel she might be uncomfortable, ask if what you’re doing is good — if her answer is lukewarm, then maybe back off a bit. Whether she wanted you to continue or not, ask her about it later, when you’re safely outside the bedroom. If you can talk about things that are good, it will be easier to talk about things that aren’t so good.

Dear Professor Sexxx,

I have watched pornographic films in which men ejaculate really far. I would like to impress my lady friends with this sort of party trick. How can I do this?


Creeper in Calhoun

Dear Creeper in Calhoun,

I have no idea. I don’t think I want to attend your parties.