Man, I’m really happy that 2009 is over.
When Jan. 1 rolled around a year ago, my dad made his yearly ritual of checking his dozens of Chinese zodiac Web sites to determine each of our fortunes for 2009. Although we pretend to not care about the horoscopes as much as I pretend to not care about Frank the Entertainer’s new dating show (translation: I love it), he sat us all down to tell each of our fortunes for the year. When it was my turn, he said ominously, “oooohhh … very bad.”
And that was all he said.
Well, if my sports world of 2009 was any indication, Daddy Song was right. The Florida Gators lost against Alabama and forfeited a chance at back-to-back national championships (Tim Tebow cried. ‘Nuff said). The Jacksonville Jaguars controlled their own destiny in the playoffs before losing their last four games of the season to blow it (they lost against the Browns … THE BROWNS!?!?!?!?!). Yale squandered away a chance to beat the Cantabs (I know I defended “The Call,” but … fourth and 22??!?!?!?!?!?!). Oh, and I tore my ACL, MCL, and meniscus in a skiing accident at the beginning of winter break (I’m so depressed I don’t even have anything to add in this parenthetical addendum).
So, yeah — I’m glad that 2009 is over. Which brings us to 2010! When I was thinking of ideas for this article, I could’ve very easily gone with the hackneyed “three sure predictions to come true in 2010!” approach. Instead, I’m going to go with the slightly less hackneyed “three goofy predictions impossible to come true in 2010!” To add more ridiculousness to that, I’ll even extend a Jersey Shore analogue that is equally unlikely to happen. As Mike would say, “we got a situation right here!”
Prediction #1: An African-American athlete in the Winter Olympics will become more famous than any cast member from Jersey Shore.
Think about the Winter Olympics. Snowboarding, ice-dancing, curling — no matter what event you think of, at no point will an African-American face come up. Although Vernon Davis, star tight end of the San Francisco 49ers, was made honorary captain of the U.S. curling team to help promote the sport (seriously, Google Vernon Davis curling), most people still don’t even know which sports are in the Winter Olympics, much less a black Winter Olympian. Bank on this one.
Jersey Shore Anlogue: Snooki hooking up with any Winter Olympics athlete.
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, self-appointed inventor of the “poof” and resident midget of the house, has spent much of the season looking for love. However, according to her criteria, her man needs to be “juiced, tan and a guido.” She might seem desperate for a slippery luge ride, but until the International Olympics Committee incorporates competitive tanning as a winter sport, I don’t see Snooki paying attention to anybody involved with the Winter Olympics.
Prediction #2: Lebron James gets caught using steroids.
King James? Steroids? Puh-leeze. While The King’s absurdly sculpted 6-foot-8-inch, 245-pound body would make even Arnold Schwarzenegger feel inadequate, the man is just too much of a class act and too smart to fall for the false allure of steroids. Plus, when you’re already more athletic than everyone else in the world, why would you even need to cheat? Mark my words: there’s no way Lebron’s using steroids.
Jersey Shore Analogue: Mike “The Situation” peeing in a cup and not turning up positive for PEDs.
The man’s abs and biceps are literally begging to be released from his shirts. With all that muscle, a nice smile and a bangin’ tan, there should be no reason that “The Situation” doesn’t have more success with women — unless he’s ashamed of his steroid-shrunken “situation” below the belt. It’s either that or his personality, but seriously — the only situation Mike’s going to be in is of the congressional investigative variety.
Prediction #3: Tom Brady leaves the NFL after JWoww exposes their affair to the media.
Two words: Gisele Bundchen. If Tom Brady cheats on her, I’ll live out the rest of my days painting my nails pink and singing along to Selena Gomez. That is all.
Jersey Shore Analogue: All housemates in the Jersey Shore are disease-free.
Remember, herpes in remission is STILL herpes. Try and tell me Mike doesn’t have some kind of situation going on. I rest my case.
So there you have it, my list of top-three sports and Jersey Shore events that have no chance of happening. I mean, it’s not like the most famous athlete in the world could fall from grace, a 40-year-old quarterback could lead his team to a first round bye, or a coach would go for it on fourth-and-22 with a lead late in the fourth quarter in the biggest game of the year, right? Wait … that all happened in 2009?
John Song is a junior in Berkeley College.