1. A sober Christmas or a drunk Christmas, but not an ecstasy Christmas.
2. “That apple pie was so good I had two slices.”
3. Sitting around the family tree and/or the menorah with a cup of spiced cider, discussing a change of major from sociology to anthropology.
4. On retreat with the Duke’s Men.
5. Anatomically correct Christmas cookies. (Diamond magazine pays $10,000 for models.)
6. No, but the anthropology major is practical!
7. Grandma insults mother’s sweet potatoes, again. Surprise.
8. Consume the entire Charles Bronson filmography in 72 hours without moving from your bed in the period leading up to whatever holy day.
9. Sufjan’s “Songs for Christmas,” because it’s even more beautiful than snow falling on parked cars, which is like music we make with our siblings.
10. Visions of sugar plums and subsequent doctors appointments!
11. Sparkling cider out of champagne flutes makes us feel like big children.
12. Probably more skiing than snowboarding, definitely something involving polyester.
13. Ehh, well, it can’t be Christmas. It’s still like 80 degrees in California.
14. “I haven’t seen you this upset before.”
15. [[scene will not insert an incest joke]]
16. How is school going?
17. “I’m reading this really great self-help book right now.”
18. You’re not leaving this house if you plan on taking another anthropology class.
19. Why didn’t Santa bring me that electric train? That electric train? That electric train? That electric train?
20. Though nostalgic for all the reading you missed over the semester, you are paralyzed with nostalgia for something else.