Yeah, I saw Lion King once. It fuckin’ sucked. I took my little cousins, Maria Clara, Maria Rose and Little Tony. I picked ’em up at my aunt’s house in Long Island City, which is sort of out of the way for me, but what are you gonna do? It’s family. Traffic on the LIE wasn’t bad I guess, and I got to blast some sick tunes in the CRV. Fall Out Boy? Fuckin’ love that shit. Just got a subwoofer in there, the kids loved it.
Anyway, we get to the theater, right? They put us in these seats, swear to God I thought we were in the kiddie section. And I mean, my calves are pretty huge. I’ve been working on ’em pretty regular, hittin’ ’em pretty hard on the standing leg press. So I say to the usher, I’m like, “Yo chief, my ma bought these tickets like, three years ago, I’m pretty sure we should have better seats.”
And this guy, he was like gay or Jewish or something, he was like, “Um, sorry, uh, sir, uh, the seats are the same everywhere.”
And I was like, “Uh, um, fuck, uh, you. Douche bag.”
So the lights go down. Now Little Tony’s already freaking out cause he’s afraid of the dark or some shit, and Maria Clara’s pinchin’ me and saying her ears hurt from the car ride and she wants to go home. But I can’t talk and like listen, because there are people walking down the aisles.
People, in the aisles. What the fuck? I mean, not people. Actors or something. I dunno. They had puppets and shit. On their heads. What’s that supposed to be? They sang alright I guess, but like, come on. You’re not a gazelle. Fuck you. The movie was way better.
It’s not that I don’t like theater or anything like that. But Broadway? Come on. Shit’s not worth it. Tickets are as much as like, three trips to Six Flags and a lap dance from that broad at Oasis with the tig os. You know, tig ol bitties. She has large breasts.
The city’s mad far and mad crowded, and I can do just as much stuff in Long Beach. Not even kidding. The shows are way better too. I saw my niece in this show at her school, “Bye Bye Birdie.” You heard of it? Man, it was so great. I loved that guy in the tight pants. They didn’t need any puppets. Just a lot of talent and a lot of heart. Really gave it their all, ya know? Oh man, and that little kid in the pajamas? Fuckin’ hilarious.