On Conan tonight, 50 Cent is performing his new song, “Baby By Me,” which I have never heard before. My first impressions are as follows:

All I can understand of this song is “baby mommy” and “beer, beer, beer.” Maybe D-porters should adopt it as their new college chant. It does have the right droning rhythm.

I seriously don’t approve of Fiddy’s plaid North Face vest. Thug and prep can sometimes have lovely children, but this one got the bad genes.

Fiddy seems really, really excited when he’s done singing and gets to touch Conan, who seems less excited to have Fiddy panting at him like an overexcited puppy.

After looking up the lyrics, I have discovered that it’s actually “have a baby by me, baby, be a millionaire.” After Weezy just announced his fourth upcoming illegitimate child, these lyrics have real meaning. Also, Fid’s so good at sex that he’ll “leave your headboard broken.” Someone’s been reading Twilight in their spare time, I see.

Verdict? I’d listen again, but only because I’m curious to see just how far Fiddy’s love for teenage vampire pickup lines really goes.