Walking into Payne Whitney gym every day is truly a painful sight for someone who understands unwritten gym rules and procedures. One might see 140-pound kids who got their first bicep pump of their life flexing in the mirror or others who could not even pass as lightweight crew members showing their buddies their “sick abz”. On a particularly bad day, you may even find yourself next to an old man humping his way through each rep like a horny rabbit. This must stop now to preserve our institution from the damage of such unathletic and unsightly actions. Here are a few simple rules to follow when you venture into the gym next time:
Avoid squat rack curls at all costs. Surprisingly someone may actually need to train his legs (as shocking as that may sound to some of you poor chicken legged souls out there) and you are simply wasting his time by trying to work your biceps at this station. There are unadjustable barbells up to 100 lbs. and dumbbells up to 130 lbs. that should satisfy anyone that isn’t on dianabol.
Guys, do not wear cut off shirts or short shorts! We clearly see that you have no muscle mass on your arms, there is no need to reinforce this thought in our heads by not covering those sticks you call arms. Just to add insult to injury, the lack of sleeves leaves benches and machines drenched in your man juice. As for short shorts, no one needs to explain the lack of desire to see the outline of your puny twig and berries. Also, it is generally desirable to avoid wearing grey shorts as they have a tendency to show the nastiest of all sweat forms … ass sweat.
Try to use weight that you can handle for a FULL range of motion. Not only does a full range of motion result in maximum stress of the muscles, but it also displays that you actually know how to lift. Nothing is more irritating than watching some kid load 135 lbs. on a bar and proceed to pump out twenty half repetitions on the bench press. You will find this same helpless boy using the same weight ten years down the road and his body composition (pathetic and small) will be unchanged.
Use weights that are heavy enough to stimulate growth, but not too heavy that you must sacrifice form. This is a big callout to the “bro” crowd that thinks they can attract females by using the big weights. In reality, girls view you as a mentally challenged person as you sway, rock, hump, grunt and scream to move the weight. Put your fragile self-confidence aside for an hour and perform exercises the way they are meant to be executed and I promise you will get bigger and more defined in the long run.
Unless you are over 250 lbs. of pure muscle, leave the tips to yourself. You obviously have achieved nothing in weightlifting or bodybuilding, so who are you to tell people how to lift? Leave it to the professionals and take pride in the fact that this other human being has no clue what they are doing. The majority of the people in Payne Whitney gym couldn’t even begin to explain what a Bulgarian Split Squat or a Romanian Deadlift is because they have little to no fundamental knowledge of lifting. If you receive the dreaded comment that “squats destroy your knees,” respond with a swift kick to the genital region of this idiotic waste of skin.
Stop striking up conversations and lift. No one wants to hear that you aced your organic chemistry final when you should be focusing on your lack of muscle mass. In fact, do not even bring your phone to the gym. It only causes distractions and gets in the way of the reason you are actually on the fourth floor in the first place.
By following some of these unwritten rules of gym etiquette, you can be sure that you are not the laughing stock of the university’s gym. Now stop reading this article and go deadlift!