The best things in life are free, like swine flu. And condoms. No need to trek out to Walgreens or DUH; just take a trip down to the bottom of your entryway. Here is your abridged guide to the condom bags of Yale University.

Let’s start on Old Campus, because, let’s face it, we all know what aspect of college the class of 2013 was most looking forward to when they arrived on campus (KIDDING, DAD). Everyone loves a good “Tight and Bright” party — Lawrance has LifeStyles “Assorted Colors” condoms, as well as Kimono Special brand. Neither is particularly classy: the transparent packaging makes a yellow LifeStyles lubricated condom look unappetizing at best, and Kimono Special seems more than a little bootleg. On the upside, the Lawrance grab bag also has Pjur Super Concentrated Bodyglide lube, which is “also designed for personal moisturizing and skin conditioning.” This will prove exceptionally practical when you randomly run out of moisturizer this winter. Stock up now!

Welch has the same brands, and Vandy’s got some Kimono action going on, too. Farnam, however, has Durex condoms, which are preferable if only because the company’s Web site has an interactive timeline of condom-related events, including “800bc: olive oil.” tries to measure up with a series of “Sexy Facts” tucked at the bottom of the page. Sorry guys, but Durex’s timeline already informed me that Italian scientist Gabriele Fallopius invented the first condom out of linen and animal guts. But good try. One does get the sense, though, that the two companies are targeting different age groups with their Web sites. LifeStyles’ looks like a snowboard decal company, complete with a series of videos entitled “Noah & Baron talk real man sh*t!” (Episode 2: Swedish hotties, missionary style). Durex definitely wins the tasteful award for its use of old couples in promotional photographs. Nice. Anyway, it’s a good idea to take a look at these highly informative sites before you head over to entryway B to pick up some protection. Choose your own sex style: arthritic or Eurotrip-esque.

Speaking of which, if you’re looking for protection, don’t go to Berkeley or Branford! Condoms are exceptionally hard to locate in these colleges’ entryways. Also, don’t go to JE — their stock of condoms is out, probably because they’re getting so much action. Please insert your own “JE SUX” joke here.

We’re talking about love. Maximum Love. And, in fact, Durex manufactures that particular style in India, while the “Natural Feeling” variety is produced in Thailand. No judgment: we’ll let you decide if those additional miles of air transportation are worth the extra loving. Both styles can be found in a jar — infinitely classier than the standard plastic bag o’ rubbers — in Farnam’s froco suite, next to an identical jar of appropriately packaged mini Sweet Tarts.