It is becoming apparent that what I write in these articles will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Before writing for this wonderful periodical, the only way to find my name through a Google search was by entering “Matthew George Dallas Texas Woodrow Wilson High School Rosy Dog Disappointment Fat” and then scrolling to the fourth page and using the “find” feature in Safari. As of the date of this publication, there are 31,800,000 web pages that contain the phrase “Matthew George.” This is over 26,000 times more than the amount of hits you get Googling the phrase “Ethan Kuperberg” (side note: Ethan, your name only brings up 1,180 hits?!). Before writing for scene, finding the me “Matthew George” on the internet was like trying to discover a good reason to see the film “Fast and Furious”: ridiculously, if not impossibly, difficult.
And yet now, thanks to the News, I am merely the 8th person down on the Google search list. Of course, I follow a glorious list of other Matthew George’s that have made a splash in the Google world. I humbly bow before their greatness. Here are their Web sites (in order of appearance on Google):
1) Matthew George — People You’ll See in Hell
A Web site that allows people to vote for whether or not a person will go to Hell; 84 percent of voters affirm that this Matthew George, a 28-year old convicted of drug abuse and locking his wife in a dog kennel for days at a time, will see Satan.
2) Matthew George — Mahalo
“Mahalo,” meaning “thank you” in Hawaiian, has absolutely nothing to do with the subject of this Web address, which confirms the crimes of 28-year old Matthew George in more detail; dog-kennel verified.
3) Matthew George — LinkedIn
Principal software engineer, clearly looking for friendship through this older, sadder version of Facebook.
4) Matthew George’s Photostream
A series of pictures of a Latino family wearing identical red shirts emblazoned with snowmen, posing in an outdoorsy, wooded area. There seems to be a hidden tension suggesting a missing family member, possibly locked in a small, kennel-esque compartment?
5) Matthew George’s CNET Community Member Profile
A good shopper; keep it up, Matthew!
6)Matthew George — Wales Facebook
Why does this Matthew George get the Google hit for Facebook? I hate him. I can only assume this is the Matthew George with the creative outlook on dog kennels and is probably Facebook friends with Lucifer. No, Satan probably has a LinkedIn, higher chance of recruitment there.
7) Matthew George Art & Design Home
I hope he is not pursuing a career in Web design.
8)Yale Daily News — Author Profile: Matthew George
The plus side of being so freakishly close to the top of a Google list is that you can brag to your friends about how famous you are. The downside is that everyone in the world can quickly find out how fat you think you are, how insecure you feel about your love life and how awkward your tendency is to write long sentences with words that are not arranged in the most efficient order.
Not that anyone would ever need or want to know this information. But it is available to anyone. My parents. My sister. My pastor. Oh yes, my future employers as well. Wonderful. They will be on the verge of hiring such a charming and attractive young man (I am talking about me) and then they will Google my name, verify that I had nothing to do with a dog kennel, but then confirm that I love shitty television and hollow self-deprecation.
In fact, this very thing happened to me at a fellowship interview I had this week. I was rip-roaring and ready to talk about why I wanted to go to Africa, how to spell “Rwanda,” why Don Cheadle is an inspiration to me, etc. Instead, I was asked by an interviewer how I balance the film “Red River” and the television show “Battlestar: Galactica,” a titillating topic discussed in an article I wrote two weeks ago.
Now I don’t know if you have ever had to defend the hit series “Battlestar: Galactica” to a non-believer, but it is like convincing Jefferson Davis to watch “The Cosby Show.” People are naturally predisposed to think “Robots are stupid” and “Battlestars are fictional.” Yes, the name of the show is a curse and is probably the only blight on the show’s perfection. But it is greater than its name. I promise. So when I was asked about the show during my fellowship interview, I had two choices in responding:
1) “‘Battlestar: Galactica’ redefined who I am as a person, because now I am slightly convinced that everyone around me is a Cylon sleeper agent.”
2) “It is challenging, but manageable. In fact, I grew emotionally.”
It should be no surprise that I did not win this fellowship. So why do I write these articles if all they will do is ruin me? Is it my self-involved impulse to throw down “clever” thoughts on page knowing that the only people who read them are myself, my editor Emma, my parents and my future employers? Or rather, is it an efficient method of procrastination to avoid writing my next paper (PROFESSOR BIGGS, I KNOW YOU ARE READING, TAKE PITY)?
I don’t know. I guess I learn something about myself because I never really say anything of importance to anyone else but me (and BS:G and Buffy enthusiasts).
From this article, I learned that there is probably someone that deserves to go to Hell more than I. And that is enough to make it a successful venture in my book.