I think it’s fair to say that America is at a crossroads. But unlike the last crossroads we saw, in which Britney Spears revealed to us the trials, tribulations and eventual enjoyment of rediscovering childhood friendship through an emotionally taxing cross-country joyride, this crossroads has nothing to do with childhood friendship or brilliant filmmaking.

Instead, this crossroads is about our economy, and the future of a great country whose monetary foundations have been shaken, stirred and garnished with an olive in what is widely regarded as the most serious recession/martini since the Great Vermouth of 1929. As we’ve passed through this recent period of turmoil, and as we journey onward into the fiscal unknown, two clear alternatives have emerged: we can restructure our economy and tightly regulate our financial institutions in order to reboot our lagging growth, or we can continue to dole out faulty mortgages and max out our credit cards at Shaw’s buying Nacho Cheesier Doritos.

As appealing, flavorful and zesty as the latter option is, we simply cannot afford to maintain our wasteful economic ways, since reckless spending and its ample side effects have jeopardized the norms that define us as a nation. For example, free market capitalism has halted mid-step, and once-revered companies are failing left and right. Holiday traditions have also been disrupted, as Americans realize that stockings will no longer be stuffed with valuable credit default swaps, and Father’s Day will no longer be celebrated by mortgaging elderly men. Our proud culture of consumption has screeched to a stop, leaving obese people dangerously undernourished and Hummer dealerships full of unused civilian assault vehicles.

In the good old days, we would have just started a new war and given the Army our spare Hummers, but we can’t even do that anymore. Thanks a lot, Dick Cheney.

Clearly, America, something needs to happen. Something needs to change, and we need the new leadership in Washington to assuage our collective fears by catalyzing our great nation. For this reason and many more, I have decided to support President Barack Obama in his proposal of a nearly $1 trillion stimulus package. The president and I may disagree on a few issues — healthcare, labor laws, security policy and whether Nancy Pelosi is an extraterrestrial mercenary from the planet Zakthor sent by her alien overlords to ruin everything that is prosperous and happy about our world — but we both recognize the need for an economic jumpstart.

While Obama’s plan emphasizes education reform, sustainable income for the lower classes and renewing our infrastructure, I have a different package with a different focus. The end goal — renewed economic prosperity — is the same as Obama’s, but my stimulus package uses different means. Thus, in an effort to broaden support for my package, what follows is an abridged guide to its allocation, including explanations of new programs, initiatives and their estimated costs:

*Everyday Americans are suffering because lowered asset values have triggered defaults and seizures, which is why I propose the Asset Replenishment Initiative. This program would focus on relieving individuals whose assets have been seized and would use stimulus funds to buy said individuals cheap assets whose value will increase over time. Specifically, this initiative would seek to buy mounted deer heads, like the one I used to have, for individuals, like myself, who had a mounted deer head stolen from a dorm room, like the one I used to live in. The program would relieve the economic toll of having to kill a new deer while simultaneously increasing the happiness of those who get to kill a dear. By achieving both economic and emotional results, this initiative would, in effect, kill two birds with one high-powered rifle, potentially providing a suitable framework for additional programs that kill birds. Total cost: $200 billion.

* By no means does my package stop at dead deer, for it will also include the Deceased and Extinct Asset Directive. With home prices plunging, it is imperative that the government halts the slide by adding value to homes. The easiest way to do this, of course, is with the delivery of emergency dead animals. Many dead animals’ pelts, furs and heads fetch large sums of money on both official and black markets, and the government should create a special Bureau of Carcass Distribution to infuse homes with as many dead animals as possible. Per government mandates, brass chandeliers should be replaced with antler chandeliers, carpets should be replaced with valuable chinchilla hides and silverware should be replaced with utensils crudely crafted from the bones of dinosaurs, which Jeff Goldblum should bring back from extinction, like he did in “Jurassic Park.” Total cost: $400 billion.

* To any naysayer who decrees this stimulus as a hackneyed attempt to turn America’s homes into zoos, I should note that provisions like the Creativity Expansion Initiative would do much more than that. It would simultaneously serve as a bailout for the arts, which could use the animal’s innards to make art. Total cost: $15 billion.

* Additionally, many Americans, like myself, need a new pair of shoes, hence the Footwear Replenishment Program. Total cost: $4 billion.

* I also could use a new bottle of shampoo. Total cost: $8 billion.

* $8 billion for a bottle of shampoo? What, do you think I use shampoo from Motel 6? Maybe after you’re done giving me $8 billion we could go to Denny’s with the rest of the proletariat. Revised total cost: $17 billion.

* Lastly, I propose, via the Territorial Exchange Program, that we sell Canada back to the United Kingdom. To be sure, colonizing Canada has been a fun and rewarding experience for the United States; we’ve given them security, language and above all, badly needed culture. But in such hard economic times, it just doesn’t make sense to support a land that, quite frankly, has little to offer us after we’ve plundered it for its large mammals. While selling Canada will by no means offset the cost of the rest of this stimulus, it is a step in the right direction, which all of us can agree is not north. Total cost: $0. Total revenue: $19.99, or one bottle of L.L. Bean maple syrup to be distributed equally among all Americans.

There it is, America: your future economic prosperity. The stimulus is simple, effective and most notably, cheaper than Barack Obama’s proposed plan, which likely includes a nationwide network of pipelines that flow hope. The choice is yours, and I can only hope that you choose what’s best for our country, my love of dead animals and my hair. God bless America, and God bless Pantene Pro-V.