Worst Video Game to Play on a Date

There is a video on YouTube called “Why every guy should buy his girlfriend Wii Fit,” or something to that effect. I watched it because it had a woman wearing just underwear in it and usually I watch most videos like that. I also watched it because I own Wii Fit. Anyway, in Wii Fit there is an activity where you stand on the Wii Fit Balance Board — basically a glorified plastic scale that connects to the television — and you pretend that you’re hula hooping, and your Mii (which is a little bobble-head person on the screen) hula-hoops according to the motion of your body. It’s called “Hula-Hoop.”

Well, this video is pretty awesome. This woman is just pretend-hula-hooping in front of the television in her underwear while her boyfriend watches. We get to watch it along with him from his perspective, which is from behind. It’s pretty hot. If you can imagine how good a girl’s butt looks when it’s moving around in tight circular motions, then you can probably imagine how wonderful this video is. I wish it were longer.

If you have ever seen my girlfriend do Wii Fit Hula Hoop you would try to find her immediate medical attention. My friend’s dog went into convulsions from eating anti-freeze once and it looked better than my girlfriend’s butt does by about the third minute of Wii Fit Hula Hoop. And she usually has a nice-looking butt.

What this jerk on YouTube didn’t show is that it’s physically impossible to maintain a perfectly rhythmic hula-hooping motion for more than however long his stupid YouTube video was. After that, your ass starts to have seizures. Each person has their own Wii Fit-tardation. My arms start to stiffen up and move spastically against the rhythm. When I do Wii Fit Hula Hoop I think I look sort of like the cat from the movie “Homeward Bound.” When it was drowning. I used to wrestle on a wrestling team in high school and my body looked more aligned getting smashed pancreas-down into the mat by some kid who was 5 inches shorter and 10 inches wider than me than it does when I’m doing Wii Fit Hula Hoop.

Anyway, my girlfriend is pretty good at Wii Fit Ski Jump, so she has that going for her.

On Second Thought … Worst Video Game to Play on a Date

Soul Caliber 2 for GameCube. Nintendo Power magazine ranks this as the 18th best game ever created for a Nintendo system. I was excited when I bought it used for $5 because I remembered it as being a lot of fun. I think we played it in junior high that time when I stayed over at my friend Lucas’ house, ate six orange Creamsicles, drank two liters of soda and puked in his yard. I used to be good with this character named Voldo, who looks like a really flamboyant, medieval Edward Scissorhands.

From what I can find on the Internet, Voldo was basically the assistant to an Italian merchant who wanted to get his hands on this sword called the Soul Edge. Things didn’t go as planned, and Voldo ended up locking himself inside a secret pit full of money to protect his dead employer. I’m not really sure why that made him go blind and start wearing a thong, but he’s a pretty solid fighter. He also doesn’t speak; he just hisses and growls through his spandex unitard.

It turns out that I’m terrible at playing as Voldo. I’m also terrible at playing as any other character. In fact, I never want to touch this game again. It sucks. When I got home with it, I made my girlfriend (the same one with the hula-hoop ass) play with me before dinner. She had never played it, so I figured I would go easy on her. She beat me about 20 times in a row. I swear to God she just mashed the buttons on her controller repeatedly with no strategy until I died. There must be a flaw in the game’s design, or my girlfriend’s brain. We haven’t played it since.