In the months preceding the presidential election, much has been said about the proverbial “Joe Six-Pack.” He is, according to many political commentators, the heart and soul of this country, and his vote could be the deciding factor. But, as John McCain would ask, who is Joe Six-Pack? What does he stand for? Do his kids go to school with mine? Is he a terrorist? If he likes beer so much, why is he wearing a turban? Doesn’t everyone know consumption of alcohol is considered apostasy in the Quran? How can I tell Joe Six-Pack from Joe the Plumber?

These are all very legitimate questions. In this day and age, Americans simply don’t have enough information about the candidates or the national electorate to make informed decisions. News cycles only run 24 hours a day, the Internet is difficult to use and the run-up to the election lasts just two years. Until recently I, for one, felt horribly uninformed as Election Day neared. I wasn’t sure if either candidate was speaking to me when he made his stump speech, and I questioned whether both men truly understood not only the Americans they would represent, but also our proud country.

All that, however, has changed. I’ve been watching the candidates closely and, thanks to the McCain campaign’s use of simplistic, overarching stereotypes, I now have a clear understanding of which candidate really stands for America. John McCain has helped me identify the issues that plague my life and has introduced me to the types of Americans whose views should shape America’s policy and, hence, the world’s. Had McCain not reduced his campaign to profiling the voting American public in four basic ways, I would still be confused. But, fortunately for me, I now understand America.

In an effort to help you understand who you are and how the candidates will represent you, I present four American stereotypes that John McCain truly understands. As an American, you fit into one of these categories. So please, allow this to expand your knowledge of politics, your country and yourself.

Joe Six-Pack

As mentioned before, you, Joe Six-Pack, are the embodiment of the average American male. Your testosterone is high, and so is your love of Jesus. When given time to relax, you enjoy many hobbies, such as drilling for oil, drilling for natural gas, drilling for freedom and fearfully watching the Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremony over and over on YouTube.

So many drummers. So much organization.

You also have a strong disdain for anything hoity-toity, and you know very well that it’s necessary to lift your pickup truck an extra 18 inches so that, when you hit a deer at 70 mph, the blood splatter won’t ruin your custom paint job. Your outlook on life is generally positive and it tastes like A-1 Steak Sauce. If someone offers you a beer, you take it, and if someone offers you a loan with zero money down and no credit history required, you take it.

Most importantly, you love your family and your dog, though not nearly as much as you love football. And hockey, but only when there’s a fight.

Joe the Plumber

You, much like Joe Six-Pack, are America’s working man. You rise at sunup, put on a Toby Keith album and mentally prepare yourself for the prospect of living under a socialist regime where everyone pays too many taxes and the government knocks on your door every day just to check on you and make sure you’re still praying five times daily and that your prayer mat is properly oriented towards Mecca.

You cringe at the prospect that, one day, the government might outsource America’s feces to countries where labor is cheaper, and you’ll have nothing to plumb. Your revenues will plunge, and you’ll have no money for government-mandated zakaat, the ritual of charitable donation practiced by Muslims worldwide.

But at Sarkinen Plumbing, you can easily approach them for your plumbing needs at a reasonable price.

You also hate hockey, because Canadians play it. If you want a fight, you’ll start one, probably with a Canadian. What a bunch of candy-ass socialists.

Hockey Moms

You are the quintessentially tough, folksy, responsible and caring American women who reared the nation’s greatest sons, daughters and premature grandchildren. You balance a tough schedule, splitting your time between picking up your children — Aspen, Chad, Conifer, Zane, Cub, Ford, F150, Scout, Denali, Tundra, Pitchfork, Hemmy, Tobin, Ranger, Elk, Trooper, Sagebrush and Juneau — from hockey practice and sniping rogue caribou who wander onto your family’s oil field. In spite of your busy schedule, you always find time to love, as evidenced by your many children.

What drives you nuts, though, is a bunch of Nancy Pelosi liberals (“flatlanders,” as you like to call them) getting in the way of what you do best: hating liberals and beating Canadians in hockey. You just want Wall Street and Washington to leave you the hell alone so you can hate them in peace, and you would even go so far as to declare your independence from those places, provided they continue to purchase your oil.

The Wealthy

You are best embodied by your enormous sums of money. You know who you are.

There you have it. These are the four types of Americans that inhabit our country, and are the backbone of our proud nation. If, for some reason, you don’t fit into one of these four categories, I regret to inform you that you not only live in a part of the country that isn’t pro-American, but you are also not American.